Seriously, how can one think that hoy yoga promotes violence? I have never been so tired as after that session. The only violence hot yoga promotes is the violent guzzling of water…

This am I wrote my post Why Hot Yoga Made Me Laugh As Much As Farting Does and took off for the gym. Surprisingly, I was still thinking about the Hot Yoga experience. Yesterday, my friend Gwen Bell, wrote about the hurt she feels when people refer to her as “skinny,” and it made me think how different physically she and I were.

I?m going to disclose my stats to you today. I?m five foot eleven, more than six feet in heels. I?m still working on my slouching issue, by consciously lifting up through my spine throughout the day. I despised my height in high school, got the occasional ?are you anorexic?? and soared above my peers in the height category.

I weigh between 130-135 pounds and have fluctuated very little during my life to date. I eat when I?m hungry. That?s usually five or six times a day. I tend to eat small meals and take only as much food as I need. I eat calmly, with awareness and gratitude for my food. I say my version of grace (in Japanese, but that?s another post) before each meal I consume. When I?m full, I stop eating. Very rarely do I go back for seconds.

And then my stats:

I stand about 5′8″ on a good day. I was 5′4″ as a sophomore in high school, and grew slowly over the next couple of years. As a sophomore I weighed in at 184, which sucked as a wrestler (why I ever did that, please dont ask), since I was too heavy for the 178 weight class and too light for 191 lbs. Once I tore my shoulder apart while wrestling, I joined the swim team. I ballooned to a high of 214 pounds and 5′8″. As a senior I lost 35 pounds, and was at a low of 178 pounds.

Now, 17 years later, I am still 5′8″ and I weigh about 280 lbs. I was at a high of 331 pounds less than a year ago. I used to eat a ton several times a day. I always seemed to be hungry, and hungry for the worst food. Now, I eat better, and I am on the right path for health.

So, when you look at Gwen’s stats versus mine, we are physically as opposite as two people could be. Then take a look at her yoga photostream (seriously, HOLY JESUS) and one can easily see her attraction and proficiency with yoga. She has a grace, calmness, litheness and fluidity of motion that I saw last night in the yoga instructor. I spent most of the class thinking about how my life is about deliberate motion, intensity, energy (giving and taking), emphatic actions, outcome versus process, and violence. Not violence in the sense of hurting, death and destruction, but violence in the intensity, ferocity and the utilization of willpower as a means of achieving ends.

This is one of the reasons I cant play golf. Golf is a game of reduction and focus of energy (soft hands, smooth swing), which I have a hard time with. Lacrosse on the other hand is all about quick thinking, violent action and a constant state of intensity.

So outside of the physical demands of hot yoga, I find the need to be calm, singularly focused, smooth, relaxed, deliberate to be the most difficult part of it. Its just not me, but part of the effort I have put forth in the last 1-2 years: getting healthy, improving my business situation, exploring how I interact with people, either bringing them in or driving them away, is all about not being Micah. Finding the pieces of Micah I like and positively influence the people around me is the end point of my journey.

I am finding that for me hot yoga promotes violence. But against the defenses I have built over the past 35 years, and against the inertia of change. Beyond the sweating, the complete opposite way of thinking is damn hard. Process is damn hard.

But if the minimal success I have had to date is indication of what the end brings, I can calmly, in a relaxed state, accept the present in anticipation of the future.

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Last night, I went to my second session ever of Hot Yoga or Bikram Yoga. The last time I went it was many years ago, and I remember struggling through it and thinking how silly it was.

I have wanted to try it again, but I was 1) worried about being able to complete the class without looking like a complete idiot; and 2) counseled against Yoga by my physical therapist who was afraid I would overextend myself and hurt myself worse in the process.

But, given that I just cant run on the treadmill five times a week. I really needed to find another athletic outlet. I want to get back in the pool and swim (I was a competitive swimmer about 100 pounds ago), but thats a lot of effort that I am not ready to put in. So, I decided it was Yoga time.

I also decided on Hot Yoga because I wanted to sweat. I felt like a good sweat would help with weight loss, and just clear me out. I never knew how much I would sweat…

The first thing I noticed in the class was me. There were mirrors everywhere. I couldnt escape my body. No matter where I looked, I was staring back at myself. So, I started really looking at myself. My internal image of myself is soooo much better than the reality. Now, I dont think the real me is awful, just needs more work than I picture in my mind. Perhaps thats why I am not succeeding as quickly as I like, reviewing my physical appearance is a wonderful way to force success and/or failure.

The next thing I noticed is how quite it was. Except when people were breathing. I want to record that sound and use it in a horror movie. I have been accused of cynicism and curmudgeon-ry, but I dont think I am the only person that is shaken to his core by the breathing exercises of a room full of Hot Yogans. At least one person got up and ran screaming from the room. (Ok, “run” is overstated. “Screaming” is a bit of an exaggeration.)

Then we proceeded to go through all the movements. Some people take it so seriously. I couldnt help but chuckle at the guys with their shirts off and head scarves. Clearly they were the Hot Yoga experts. I set up my mat far from them. Then there was the girl in front of me, who did all the movements to the extreme. I didnt realize people could bend in that fashion. It was impressive.

But, in truth, most of the people were like me. Not great, and really just there for the exercise. I didnt feel stupid for not knowing the movements; I didnt feel like an idiot for being a beginner. I found myself actually enjoying it. I found the names of the movements to be funny; the seriousness of some of the participants made me laugh; but, mostly, I just laughed at how silly I looked trying to stretch a body that is a bit broken and certainly not flexible.

There were two women in front of me who near the end of class ripped the loudest farts I have heard in awhile. I had to double check my brain to make sure I heard them, and then giggled like a 12 year old boy. What is it with Hot Yoga and farting? The last time I went there were chicks in Hot Yoga farting up a storm. I guess Hot Yoga and farting go hand in hand…

Will I do it again? Yes. I plan to start going twice a week. So its 3x at the gym and 2x at Yoga. Giving me my weekend to either do nothing, or to go on a hike. The mountain hiking is coming quickly, and I have to be ready…

So, in the last week, I had to travel to San Jose to speak at Search Engine Strategies, which is certainly an honor. I even worked out that first Monday, but then everything just fell apart. I was pretty sick, and surrounded by good restaurants, and so I slipped.

5.6 pounds is quite a bit, but it wasnt all gained in the last week. I started slipping the week before. It’s interesting because I talk about how success or failure is motivating, while mediocrity brings complacency. But I had a great success a couple weeks back, and I proceeded to sabotage myself. Why is that?

Is it that I dont want to be successful? I dont think so. I actually think its because I think too highly of myself. I have a bit of success and I think “Ive got this figured out, I dont need to stick to my routine.” And every time, I crash and burn.

Often, I speak about how for me failure is a process. Well, I need to realize so is success. There is no destination, there is no end. Everything is the process.

In lacrosse, I always teach my goalies to have short memories. 30 - 60 times a game, a white rubber ball is hurled at the goalie at speeds that can top 100 miles an hour. There is no way he will stop every single one. But its not only the ones that pass him by he needs to forget, but also the ones he saves. Too much glory, too much false belief in his invincibility, and the goals start piling up in bunches.

So, I have learned another life lesson. Failure is a process. Success is a process. And they are finite and ephemeral. In both cases, success and failure are tied to an action or inaction, and that action occurs once in a very short time. So, if I lose weight one week, I need to realize that I need to do it all over the next week. And if I gain weight one week, then I need to refocus my efforts the next.

I still believe that process sucks. I so much rather arrive at the end, good or bad. But, in this, process is king, and I need to embrace it.

I am still on for the 14er hike. Looks like we will be doing Mt. Beirstadt, and I am finalizing dates, but we are looking at Sept 22 or the first week in October. Mark Your Calendars! It will be the climb of the decade.