Death to Andrew Part II
Every night, before bed, I take Seroquel, which does the wondrous task of shutting my brain defect (yes, I named my brain defect Andrew) up.
You see, normally, Andrew would not shut up. All night it was “Hey! Micah! Let me tell you somethin’!” or “Hey! Micah! Guess What? Seriously, Guess?”
So, Seroquel was step one on killing Andrew.
On Monday, my doctor prescribed step two: Trileptal (also known as Oxcarbazepine). Interestingly, its an antiepileptic drug. Apparently, my brain cells are in a constantly active state or in a completely depressed state. The chemicals that regulate brain function (not breathing - those functions are always on; but the higher functions surrounding thought and emotion) dont do a good job. Rather they are in constant disarray.
This medication is supposed to, over time, settle my brain chemistry to operate in a more regulated fashion.
How is that manifested? Well, the hypomania (where I am bouncing off the walls) and the depressed state (paranoia, irratability and lethargy) will disappate. I will be in a more normal state consistently.
This drug takes about three weeks to kick in. And the doctor explained that at best, there is a 60% chance that a drug treatment will work.
So, Andrew, you have a 60% chance of being dead in three weeks. Live it up while you can, sucker.
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Will the Real Douchebag Please Stand Up?
Recently, after paying Aaron Brazell a pretty penny, Grant Robertson was able to get his name slipped into a conversation about the biggest douchebag of all time. Well, Micah “The Real Douchebag” Baldwin dont play that. Here is a list of “facts” about Mr. Grant “I Wish I Was As Big A Douchebag as Micah” Robertson has on his blog. Lets compare!
| Grant Robertson | Micah Baldwin | WINNER |
| lead editor of Download Squad. | has a real job. | Micah |
| a coffee snob. | doesnt drink the common man’s drink. | Micah |
| vegetarian, except when he isn’t, which is often; It’s complicated. | Eats meat. I aint no fu-fu veggie dude. Except when I dont eat meat. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson speaks PHP much better than he speaks Spanish. | Micah speaks nothing but the language of love, cuz hot chicks love douchebags. | Micah |
| aware that WD-40 is a solvent, not a lubricant. | found out that WD-40 is a solvent, not a lubricant the hard way. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson voted for John Kerry; Please don’t tell his mother. | doesnt vote. What douchebag votes? | Micah |
| Grant Robertson shouldn’t be confused with the Grant Robertson who writes for The Globe and Mail. | Micah Baldwin shouldnt be confused with the Grant Robertson who thinks he is the biggest douchebag in the world. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson doesn’t live in Canada anymore. | Micah doesnt even drink Canadian beer. | Micah |
| a part time stand-up comic; and a full time smart-ass. | a part-time smart and full-time ass. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson hates poorly documented code. | Micah doesnt even know what poorly documented code is. | Micah |
| is not recyclable. | is bio degradable | Micah |
| Grant Robertson possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of The Simpsons. | Micah has a life. | Micah |
| secretly wishes Carl Kasell would record the message on his answering machine. | secretly wishes Carl Sagan would record the message on his answering machine from beyond the grave. | Micah |
| can neither be created, nor destroyed. | can neither be imitated or duplicated. | Micah |
| consumes Diet Dr. Pepper at a rate previously thought medically impossible. | used to consume cocaine at a rate previously thought medically impossible. | Micah |
| fiercely loyal, until you cross him. | will smite yo’ ass. | Micah |
| has been known to be pedantic. | has been known to be sophomoric. | Micah |
| can count to ten in French and Spanish, although the other useful phrases he knows aren’t generally safe in public. | can make yo momma blush in German and Spanish. | Micah |
| a sucker for old synthesyzers and electric pianos. | played air drums in an air band back in the air metal days. | Micah |
| has owned more than 14 cars since reaching legal driving age. | has ridden in more than 50 cars since reaching legal driving age. | Micah |
| has lousy ankles. | is fucking perfect. | Micah |
| in love with Christina Warren. | who isnt? | Micah |
| Grant Robertson understands you love @film_girl, too. Why wouldn’t you? | but at least I do it in a non-stalkerish non-technosailor way. | Micah |
| knows the difference between his love for @film_girl and your love for @film_girl is, she loves Grant back. | realizes the best love is self love. | Micah |
| really hates is learning to be ok with Facebook again. | Facebook is learning to hate Micah. | Micah |
| loves the books of Chuck Palanhiuk. | knows the first rule of Chuck Palanhiuk books is to not talk about Chuck Palanhiuk books. | Micah |
| often has difficulty sleeping. | loves the deep sleep of Seroquel. | Micah |
| hasn’t read Steven King since the age of 15. | didnt learn to read anything but Playboy and Penthouse until 16. | Micah |
| isn’t amused. | knows thats a lie. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson recently quit smoking, again. Totally for reals this time. | is sending Grant a case of Marlboro Lights. | Micah |
| may have an undiagnosed case of Asperger’s Syndrome. | may have an undiagnosed case of Tourette’s Syndrome. Fucker. | Micah |
| should not be left unsupervised in a toy store. | is not allowed near small children. | Micah |
| contains 10% fruit juice by volume. | contains 10% bullshit by volume. | Micah |
| can often be found eating veggie Indian Thali at Vatica. | can be found often dropping a deuce after eating Indian at Tandori Grill. | Micah |
| stands five feet nine inches tall. *1/24th scale die-cast replicas are not currently available. | stands five feet eight inches tall. *Real Dolls of Micah are on order. | Micah |
| is a a robot. | while Grant is a Lost in Space Robot, Micah is a Jetsons robot. | Micah |
| maintains a very consistent panda bear shape. | Micah’s top and bottom halves are perfectly symmetrical. | Micah |
| not safe for mothers who are nursing. | note safe for mothers; loved by the MILFs | Micah |
| does not think AJAX is a cleaning product. | more code talk. Micah is unhappy with code talk. | Micah |
| not evenly divisible by two. | divided Grant by two. Twice. | Micah |
| not for recreational use. | be used recreationally more often than a bounce house at a 6 year old’s party. | Micah |
| has not been approved by the FDA for use in the treatment or diagnosis of any medical condition. | Forget the FDA, Micah has been approved to treat what ails you, ladeeeeeeees! | Micah |
|
AND THE REAL DOUCHEBAG IS…
|
Micah | |
Sleeping With The Enemy
As I work through finding the right medication to battle Andrew, the one thing my doctor keeps telling me that one of the most important things is consistent sleep.
Seriously? I have lived on 4 hours sleep a night for years. I like not sleeping. I get more done. But, trying to get to a solution, I tried it. He gave a medication called Seroquel that at low doses helps me sleep properly (among other things). So, for the past week, I have gone to bed by 11pm, and have taken a pill each night.
The first night it was like someone hit me with a bat. I slept soundly and through the night. Got a full 8 hours. Each night after that, I got a solid nights sleep, but each morning woke up a little bit cloudy (which must be what normal people refer to when they say “I need my coffee this morning”). Over time the cloudiness disappeared, and I felt great (other than the depressed state my brain was in).
So, last night, I got to talking to friends online, by the time it was done, it was 2am. Thats kinda when I normally used to fall asleep. Since 8 hours was 10am, I decided to skip the Seroquel and go to sleep like I used to.
Holy crap! I forgot how bad I used to sleep. It took me 2.5 hours to fall asleep. Yes, I didnt actually fall asleep until 4:30am. Then I woke up at 5am, 5:45am, 6am, 6:15am, 6:45am, and finally got out of bed at 7:00am.
I am so sleeping on the plane.
