I know that the idea was 750 words per day, and this is the second 750word post today. The last one 750 Words on Writing was sitting in my draft folder for a few days, and I needed to finish it. So I did. And, since I make the rules, I can do whatever I want, dammit.

This post is going to be a bit bouncy. Not in a “happy, happy, bouncy, bouncy” way, but in a “it will move around a lot” way.

Lets start with yesterday.

I had lunch with my father. Not my adoptive father, but my biological father.

Now, lets go back three decades.

My mom and biological father got divorced when I was about a year and a half old. My mom and I moved to California (East Palo Alto, yo!) where after a couple of weeks, she met my adoptive (I dont like calling him my step) dad. They lived together for a couple of years, and when I was five got married.

Fast forward a couple of years.

When I was seven, my biological father came to visit, and I told him that I wanted my mom’s current husband to adopt me. He agreed, and gave up all legal rights.

Yup, with a simple conversation, my biological father broke all ties with me.

Fast forward another ten years.

Now I am a freshman at UC Davis, and its been about ten years since I have spoken to my biological father. I get a card from him on my birthday explaining how sorry he was, and I, being somewhat forgiving and curious, give him a call. A few months later he comes to visit.

I remember that for most of that visit, I was just angry and sad. Here was a guy that could have been part of my life for the last ten years, and chose not to. My biological father opted out.

Lets just blaze through the next 15 or so years…

My biological father and I have sporadic interactions, probably less than 10 times. I try to visit him in Colorado, and he comes to California. Each time, I get the same feeling of anger and sadness. Was it something I did? I know, intellectually, its not, but much like any relationship that doesnt work out, there is always the tickle at the back of my mind that I was the cause of the disintegration.

At the same time, my mom and dad have two daughters, who are awesome, and our family is rather solid. There is fighting of course, and I do a lot of really stupid things. (I am kinda the king of stupid things.) But its a family, a real family. We are all actually friends. To this day a week doesnt go by that I dont somehow talk to most of my family.

Now zoom in on 2001 or so.

My company fails. I decide to come to Colorado for a summer and get to know my biological father and his wife. I plan to spend the summer doing manual labor. My biological father assures me he has jobs lined up. I pack up everything and come out to Colorado. I live in his house. I cant get rid of the feelings of anger and sadness.

None of the jobs materialize. I burn through most of my cash by the end of the summer. I apply to business school, but given my history of being the kind of stupid things, I dont get in. I find a job in Denver, and my biological father asks me to move out of his house. I do.

A year or so later, I start a new company. It goes well. About every month or so, I get a call “Lets get together! I really want to build a relationship with you.” and every time, a date isnt set. Or its moved. Or whatever. The anger and sadness just sit in my stomach. They are almost welcome friends at this point.

How about a quick stop in 2005-ish?

I ask my biological father to meet me for coffee. He does. I explain the anger and sadness that I have carried for more than two decades. “You cant be my father.” I tell him. “You lost that opportunity when you left.”

He nods. His face gets droopy. I continue. “I only want things in my life that are positive. I cant have negativity. You want to be in my life, then focus on that.” He nods again. “You cant be my father, but you can be my friend.”

He agrees. I leave. I feel good for the first time in years.

A few days later, I get a call, “Lets get together. I want to do a better job of connecting.” Fine. That meeting never occurs. The sadness and anger return.

Lets settle on yesterday.

We have lunch. The anger and sadness are enveloping me. I listen to him talk about how he is focusing on his new adoptive daughter because he finally realizes how he missed out on my life, and just try to eat as fast as I can. Lunch ends. I leave. My head hurts, my stomach is upset. The sadness and anger are roaring in my ears.

And finally, I realize, Im done. I cant do it. I cant try to have a relationship with someone who fundamentally betrayed me. Who I cant trust. I finally realize that all of my relationships mirror the one I have with my father. At some point, they all get filled with sadness and anger. They all become horribly dysfunctional. They all end in disappointment.

Finally, I woke up today.

My head is not hurting for the first time in more than a week. My brain is clear. The feeling of sadness and anger that has been in my gut for what feels like forever is…well…smaller. I get it now. We may not get to select our family, but by God, we dont have to force it to work. We dont have to fix it, or fix the people around us. We are who we are, sometimes in spite of our biological roots.

My biological father fucked up. I know that now. And I realize how lucky I am to have my mom and dad and sisters.

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