I wrote the post, Its Just a Little Bit of Cocaine. It Never Hurt Nobody, in December of 2007. I had been sober about a year and a half (Ok, a year, eight months and 10 days – Its now been 4 years, 3 months and 7 days), and I was starting to open up a bit about my addiction. It was the first really “open” post I wrote having started to blog in May of 2007, and the response was wonderful.
Over the last couple of years, I have continued to be open in my writing and my presentations, but have slowed down a bit in the last year or so. I feel like I have said everything that I need to say, and my ability to stop doing something so destructive no longer defined me. What defined me was who I am as a person, and the effort I undertake to do good.
But every once in awhile something happens or someone does something that makes me think “You just dont get it.” Strangely enough, this time it was Lindsay Lohan, and her behavior in court.
Not sure if you saw the photo of her fingernail polish, but here you go:
Yup, thats a big F-U to the judge. Smart move? Nope. But indicative of a common characteristic of some who is battling addiction.
You believe you are invincible.
You could see it in her total surprise at the sentence. You can watch it in her behavior while wearing the SCRAM bracelet. She thought she was invincible. She is not alone in that feeling, its what we all feel.
(Please note, I am not condoning any of her actions. Those are for her to own and deal with.)
When you are an addict, you have a small group of friends. They are almost all addicts as well. You share a secret. You believe that they will all be there for you regardless. You believe that with the power of your friends, you are invincible.
You do stupid things like drive. Or go to court loaded. Or get an MRI while cracked out.
Yes. Thats my brain on drugs.
I thought that the invincibility I felt while in the midst of my party days would subside once I realized how big an idiot I had been (and, while you might not believe that an addict has to hit rock bottom, and want to get sober, its so very true. Jail doesnt do it automatically. Nor does public humiliation. Its different for everyone, I hope for Lindsay’s sake, this is her bottom), but that feel never goes away.
It must be one of the characteristics of an addictive personality, that feeling of invincibility. Of knowing that regardless of the circumstance, the stupid choice (its not like I never knew I was doing dumb things), or the pain I caused others, it would be okay.
Even now, as an entrepreneur, I see this believe of invincibility sneak back in. And, its not just me. I see it in all entrepreneurs, whether they are successful or not. The belief that regardless of the challenges set before them, that they can single-handedly overcome them. (Part of being invincible is being able to handle everything.)
It surfaces in weird places. I read Brad’s post today about Giving More Than You Get, and thought about this issue of invincibility. You can even be invincible from time sucks. You can do it all, you are invincible after all.
Same for feelings. Say what you want about me. Im invincible. Your barbs and bullshit dont bother me. I can deal with anything that you throw at me.
Every day, I deal with the fact that I believe in myself more greatly that I believe in anyone else. Its my greatest fault. No one has ever been singularly successful. No one. Each day, I remind myself that I am not invincible. Each day, I reflect on the things that I havent done well, or right, or failed on, because it reminds me that I cant do everything. I am not invincible after all.
I really dont know where I am going with this post. I just felt that I needed to write about the downside of invincibility. We will all look at Lindsay and other celebrities and other people of note and rail against the special attention they are getting, or their ability to skip out on their responsibilities. I imagine there will be a fair number of comments about how she is a horrible person, and that I am way off base. Thats fine, people feel what they feel.
But, there is a real downside to being Superman. To being invincible. And, unfortunately for Lindsay Lohan, thats includes jail. I hope she, and anyone else caught in the throws of addiction, realizes the beauty of vulnerability, and makes the necessary changes.
(BTW, if you are in a place where you feel you cant get out, give me a call – 720-248-8499 or find a friend. I am happy to listen, and help you realize the decision you want to make.)
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