Hi! I am Micah’s Brain Defect. My Name Is Andrew. I Like Coffee.
When I tweeted that a couple of days ago, it made me smile. Partly because it was funny to have named a brain defect, partly because a brain defect likes coffee, partly because I named my brain defect after my friend Andrew Hyde, who often makes me crazy (like my brain defect), but mostly because I think I finally figured it out.
If you really read that sentence, you will see what I mean. Its all over the place. Its completely without emotion. It meanders until it makes a point.
Welcome to my brain.
I wrote about how April 1 is a special day for me in that its the anniversary of my decision to be sober. This April 1, I added another reason to love that day. I was diagnosed with bipolar II disease.
And, for the first time ever, I knew this was the correct diagnosis. I mean, I have been diagnosed as ADD, as “too smart for my own good,” as “easily bored,” or “under stimulated.” I have been put in special classes, advanced classes, detention, throw out of places. I quit two masters programs 1/2 through, I have never held a job longer than 2 years (except my own company), moved every couple of years (because I knew that the next move would make my life better) and kept away from most people, because most people made my head hurt.
Sure, I had some success. Of course I have friends. But, I have always known that there was something wrong with my physically. I just knew it.
So now I know. I have a brain defect. More specifically, bipolar II, which is a psychological disorder that involves mood swings from depressed to hypomanic states.
Here is the basic idea: I have an enormous amount of thoughts running through my brain all the time. My brain never shuts off. This hyper-stimulated state creates in me talkativeness, short sleep cycles, “over-thinking,” unpredictable reactions, lack of focus, often a rapid cycling of happy/depression, and an intense need to be by myself to reduce stimulation.
Attention DEFICIT Disorder is having too few thoughts. Not paying attention to things because you have the inability to focus. I am the opposite. I am focusing on so many things, that stuff slips through regardless of how much I want to remember to do it.
Here is an example. For the past year every morning when I leave the house, I say to myself, “Dont forget to mail a check to the IRS,” and every night before I go to sleep, I say to myself “Fuck! I forgot to wwrite that check to the IRS.” For a year.
What my shrink told me, which makes perfect sense now, is that I spend the majority of my energy on “keeping myself together.” Which doesnt leave a lot of time for other things. Make sense to me.
And its all because of Andrew, my brain defect. Something I have had since birth, and something that I have spent a lot of time on creating work arounds for. Those work arounds have lead me to where I am today, but have been ineffective at allowing me to accomplish everything I could.
This week I get blood drawn, and on Monday will go back to the shrink to start treatment (the nice way of saying drug trials). I cant wait. I do think its funny that to be normal, a drug addict will have to take drugs for the rest of his life.
My good friend, Meg Fowler, who is an amazing writer, told me that my writing is structurally sound (most of the time), but it always comes with a conclusion. She suggested that I try to write about process, and allow others to help lead me to the conclusion. I told her then, I was relatively uncomfortable doing that. Now I understand why. Its because I have to always be in control, and process is not about control – conclusions are. So, lets see what happens. I will try and consistently write about the process of bringing this issue under control. Bare with me, it might not be clear, clean or linear.
Hello Andrew. Its time to take control away from you, and provide you a strict set of rules with which to live.
First rule: no more coffee.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Hi Micah,
Thanks for sharing such a personal experience. I’m interested to hear about your journey through this choice. Sometimes I think extreme emotions contribute to who we are in a positive way. I struggle with a similar choice myself. I wonder what I might be giving up. I’m not a therapist by any means… I just visit one. I fully support you, and am curious to observe the changes. Good luck!
Stephanie,
Yeah my biggest fear is what I might be giving up. But if I can give up all the things I dont like, thats not all bad, right?
I imagine that the things I do like about myself will just be things I work hard to keep.
Micah, That seems highly possible. Embrace the good. :)
Hope your first rule is kicking along .. would be a hard one to live, but i imagine well worth it.
Kick that Andrew right in the goolies for me :).
You’ve single handedly written my entire top ten of “posts that mention Andrew and make me laugh” with this piece. congrats.
In more serious matters, I wish you good fortune with finding the right amount/type of medication and hope it works well.
Andrew, interesting name. Why did you choose that?
Just found out today that my guardian angel’s name is Micah (Prophet meaning God-like). I have a hard time at school focusing and my mind races and never stops. I am in high school and I can hardly do homework and do not know where my life will take me in the future. Need some intervention. Oh by the way, my name is Andrew!
@andrew T have you talked to someone? It sounds like at the bare minimum you should talk to someone. It took me over 8 years to be properly diagnosed. I certainly wish it was faster or when I was in high school rather than now.
@will what do you think?
Awesome, wonderful post. I applaud you for your attitude. Best of luck with your new regimen.
Hi Micah,
Is u is o is u aint bahpolar ;)… sounds alot like HSP (highly sensitive person = cognitive sensory defensiveness = gift, curse)
“Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight”
by Sharon Heller Ph.D.
if u have interest, happy to get it to you (I have one), LMK.
Micah,
I just came across this post and I wanted to share with you that I to have BP II. I was misdiagnosed for a long time and it was only 2 years ago that I finally was evaluated properly and put on the right medication. You would be surprised how many people have this and are not properly diagnosed. I would suspect many in the tech field think they have ADD when they are actually BPII. I commend you for sharing so publicly.
Micah,
I just came across this post and I wanted to share with you that I to have BP II. I was misdiagnosed for a long time and it was only 2 years ago that I finally was evaluated properly and put on the right medication. You would be surprised how many people have this and are not properly diagnosed. I would suspect many in the tech field think they have ADD when they are actually BPII. I commend you for sharing so publicly.
Thanks for such an honest post, Micah. I think that talking about it is important because so many of us have psych problems and are afraid to tell others about it. Good luck on your treatment and your other projects!