I wrote the post, Its Just a Little Bit of Cocaine. It Never Hurt Nobody, in December of 2007. I had been sober about a year and a half (Ok, a year, eight months and 10 days – Its now been 4 years, 3 months and 7 days), and I was starting to open up a bit about my addiction. It was the first really “open” post I wrote having started to blog in May of 2007, and the response was wonderful.

Over the last couple of years, I have continued to be open in my writing and my presentations, but have slowed down a bit in the last year or so. I feel like I have said everything that I need to say, and my ability to stop doing something so destructive no longer defined me. What defined me was who I am as a person, and the effort I undertake to do good.

But every once in awhile something happens or someone does something that makes me think “You just dont get it.” Strangely enough, this time it was Lindsay Lohan, and her behavior in court.

Not sure if you saw the photo of her fingernail polish, but here you go:

Yup, thats a big F-U to the judge. Smart move? Nope. But indicative of a common characteristic of some who is battling addiction.

You believe you are invincible.

You could see it in her total surprise at the sentence. You can watch it in her behavior while wearing the SCRAM bracelet. She thought she was invincible. She is not alone in that feeling, its what we all feel.

(Please note, I am not condoning any of her actions. Those are for her to own and deal with.)

When you are an addict, you have a small group of friends. They are almost all addicts as well. You share a secret. You believe that they will all be there for you regardless. You believe that with the power of your friends, you are invincible.

You do stupid things like drive. Or go to court loaded. Or get an MRI while cracked out.

Yes. Thats my brain on drugs.

I thought that the invincibility I felt while in the midst of my party days would subside once I realized how big an idiot I had been (and, while you might not believe that an addict has to hit rock bottom, and want to get sober, its so very true. Jail doesnt do it automatically. Nor does public humiliation. Its different for everyone, I hope for Lindsay’s sake, this is her bottom), but that feel never goes away.

It must be one of the characteristics of an addictive personality, that feeling of invincibility. Of knowing that regardless of the circumstance, the stupid choice (its not like I never knew I was doing dumb things), or the pain I caused others, it would be okay.

Even now, as an entrepreneur, I see this believe of invincibility sneak back in. And, its not just me. I see it in all entrepreneurs, whether they are successful or not. The belief that regardless of the challenges set before them, that they can single-handedly overcome them. (Part of being invincible is being able to handle everything.)

It surfaces in weird places. I read Brad’s post today about Giving More Than You Get, and thought about this issue of invincibility. You can even be invincible from time sucks. You can do it all, you are invincible after all.

Same for feelings. Say what you want about me. Im invincible. Your barbs and bullshit dont bother me. I can deal with anything that you throw at me.

Every day, I deal with the fact that I believe in myself more greatly that I believe in anyone else. Its my greatest fault. No one has ever been singularly successful. No one. Each day, I remind myself that I am not invincible. Each day, I reflect on the things that I havent done well, or right, or failed on, because it reminds me that I cant do everything. I am not invincible after all.

I really dont know where I am going with this post. I just felt that I needed to write about the downside of invincibility. We will all look at Lindsay and other celebrities and other people of note and rail against the special attention they are getting, or their ability to skip out on their responsibilities. I imagine there will be a fair number of comments about how she is a horrible person, and that I am way off base. Thats fine, people feel what they feel.

But, there is a real downside to being Superman. To being invincible. And, unfortunately for Lindsay Lohan, thats includes jail. I hope she, and anyone else caught in the throws of addiction, realizes the beauty of vulnerability, and makes the necessary changes.

(BTW, if you are in a place where you feel you cant get out, give me a call – 720-248-8499 or find a friend. I am happy to listen, and help you realize the decision you want to make.)

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This past week I attended a retreat, who’s rules were simple: 1) No Snitching; 2) No Selling; and 3) No Snobbery. It was a wonderful time, where I got to connect more deeply with old friends and create new connections with new friends. Among the many highlights was an 8 hour stint of the game Werewolf.

Dont know what Werewolf is? Its a card game played by a large group of folks, where the outcome is predicated on the ability of the Villagers to determine who the Werewolves are prior to the Werewolves killing all the Villagers.

It has two phases: Day and Night. During the Night, Werewolves kill one person, and during the Day the Villagers kill one person. Since the knowledge of who is a Werewolf grows over time, there are a significant number of Villagers that get “lynched” that are completely innocent.

Hence the interesting component of the game: The Moral Dilemma.

On April 1, 2006, I got sober. As I made the decision to make a significant change in my life, I decided that there would be two “rules” that I would live by. These rules would be immutable. That in their inflexibility, I would find the freedom to move forward and not be shackled by choice. You see, whenever I was presented by two options: the fun and the right, I always chose the fun. After all, if one couldnt enjoy life, why should one live it?

As I mulled over the options, I kept coming back to my father, Rich. Rich has always done the right thing without question. He is the most responsible person I know, and never seems to put himself in a situation where the proper outcome was unknown or unreachable. He is also the most honest person I know. Flat out.

Those two qualities make him one of the most respected people in my life, and after destroying the respect others–and myself–had for me, I decided that I would:

1) Never lie. No matter what. When asked a question, I would always answer it truthfully. Always.

2) Always do the right thing. Even if the right thing was no fun or was hurtful to me.

Thats it. Seems simple enough. And for the past four years, it has been easy enough to follow those rules.

With extremely positive results: I sold my company, worked for a great startup in Boulder, got involved with the tech scene in Boulder (including Techstars), and am now running Graphic.ly. Ive met hundreds of people across the country that I now call friends (Im IM’ing with a few while I write this). My life is pretty darn solid.

Back to the game of Werewolf.

Part of the game is the ability of players to lie, misdirect and manipulate. Three things that I am actually quite good at. But, before we started the game, I decided that I would hold true to my rules. See if I could still be successful at a game that is predicated on the opposite.

For the first couple of hours, it was easy. The game flowed, and I enjoyed the games. Sometimes I would die early, sometimes I would last awhile. I think I was on the winning team a couple of times.

Then, in a game, where it seemed that it was extremely important that everyone believed me (remember its based on the fact that no one really trusts anyone for longer than a single game), I said, “I dont lie. When I got sober 4 years ago, I decided to never lie again. To answer any question asked of me. I dont lie.”

Which, as one might imagine, was met with absolute skepticism.

Over the next few games, people started asking me questions: “Are you a werewolf? No, Im not.” And, over time, people began to truly believe me. And, depending on my role, I would either die early, or allowed to stick around.

Most interestingly, the “I dont lie,” tactic began to be used by more people. “On my honor,” people would say, “I am not a werewolf.” And, more often than not, people would be telling the truth.

Finally, as it got closer to breakfast time (we had been playing for 7 hours by then), a situation presented itself where my rules came into question. A friend I have known for some time — and known to be trustworthy, exclaimed to not be a werewolf “on his honor.” The opposition, someone I met at the retreat, professed her innocence as well.

Here was the problem. I knew my friend was lying, and my new friend wasnt.

My rule #2 was called into question. I knew that the right thing to do was to take my friend at his word, and hope that he wasnt willing to jeopardize the trust I had in him over a game.

Trusting in friends is always the right thing to do, even if it ends up hurting me in the end.

So, as I voted to have my new friend “lynched,” knowing that I was probably losing the game, I asked myself if I was doing the right thing. Was I making a mistake? Should I have made the decision I knew would end up in victory, but would also send the message to my friend that lying to me was ok?

No. I did the right thing. Without question.

Now who wants to play Werewolf?

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Yesterday, I was on the phone with a really interesting cat. Young guy, he and some friends had built a really smart series of summits and conferences as a way to get young entrepreneurs together with people from all kinds of industries to create connection and opportunity.

“Its about dream fulfillment,” he said. “Its about connecting people with ideas. Its about creating opportunities where they didnt exist.”

Then he said, “its about connecting people that would be friends even if they had nothing to offer each other.”

And for some reason, that concept percolated in my brain for the past day.

When I go to a networking event, I look for people that I would love to spend time with regardless of what they could offer me professionally. Obviously, there is always a potential that my company will benefit from the relationship, but its not my primary goal.

My friend Brad Feld never takes a meeting over lunch or coffee. Want to meet with him? Get on his calendar and meet him at his office. His meetings usually last 30 minutes, and he can squeeze in tons of them over a week. The key to a meeting with Brad? Have a purpose. I imagine its the samewith any overly busy person, where they are primarily seen as someone who has something to give (venture funding).

I hate meeting Brad in his office. I hate meeting anyone in my office. But I understand the efficiency of the arrangement. I meet people for coffee, sometimes lunch, rarely dinner. I want to see how people are in an equal setting. One where we are mutually working towards a goal. They might be looking for advice, an introduction, the beginning of a strategic deal, whatever. Im usually looking to determine if an extended relationship makes sense. Are they someone I would do business with? Are they someone I would hang out with? Are they someone I would be willing to recommend to others?

At its basis, all business is relationships.

Does that mean I take less meetings because they tend not to be in my office? No. This week, I have 15 meeting requests that we are squeezing into my calendar. The ones I am most excited about are the ones with people that are both doing interesting things and two have a bit of knowledge about me (I drink tea, not coffee. I dont drink alcohol, so there are no meetings “over drinks”) or are interested in exploring interesting ideas. I think there are 4 this week.

I dont like people. We have established that, and I repeat that. I am trying to do a better job, by spending time with people as often as I can. But, I still cant get over the events where people look first at your name tag and then make a decision how much time they are probably going to spend with you. I cant deal with the events where your value is determined by whom you are talking to, hanging out with, etc. I refuse to wear name tags for that specific reason. Dont know me? Ask. Shake my hand. Ill take time with anyone who is willing to take some time with me.
I spend my life getting to know people. I love the connections I make, especially the ones that grow into real relationships. I can honestly say that I can go to almost any city in the US and spend quality time with someone. That, to me, is an accomplishment to be proud of.

At its basis, life is about relationships.

We cant live in a bubble away from other people. As much as we like to put on headphones and tune out the world. Or sit at home with our pets and watch random teen angst comedies like Bring It On (ok, maybe thats just me), the world is made up of people. We live more solid lives connected to others. We learn, love and grow because of the people that we allow ourselves to connect to.

Life is about connecting to people that would be friends, even if they had nothing to offer professionally. Life is about giving without expectation, qualification or condition. Life is about the other people that fill it.

I guess after that polly-anna statement, I need to adjust my “I hate people” stance. I hate people that care selfishly. I hate people that worry more about what they are getting than what they are providing. I hate people that dont accept that they are part of something larger and work towards making that something larger something greater.

At its basis, people are relationships.

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