And, in our pollyanna world of social media, I am supposing that you are expecting a post about how at the core, everyone is really the same.

Thats not this post.

My thoughts around core center on the idea of conviction of values and morals. What values and/or morals live at the core of YOU or YOUR COMPANY? Are they the same? Are they different?

While at Comic-Con in San Diego, I got to spend time with Cyan Bannister (which was way more fun than trying to figure out if we should kill each other or not during a game of Werewolf), and we talked a lot about our startups and entrepreneurship.

If you dont know Cyan, and her husband Scott, you should. As entrepreneurs, they have built some awesome companies between them, including Submit-it (which made me good money with Current Wisdom, my interactive agency), IronPort, Zivity, and others. As investors, they are just amazing in their selection of companies and entrepreneurs.

Cyan and I got to talking about company culture, and how it shifts and changes as the economy, industry and, of course, company grow and morph. She suggested I read Tony Hsieh‘s (of Zappos) book, Delivering Happiness.

About a week ago, I finally got around to reading it on a day trip to LA (quick read). I assumed I would get a lot of “look how awesome building Zappos was” and “It was so hard, but we just blasted through.” Instead, what I got was a lot of “Who are you?” and “Why does that make you happy?”

Recently, Cyan posted a video interview we did at ComicCon where we talked a lot of startups, Boulder (surprise!), and comics. In the middle of the conversation, we ended up talking about my tattoos, and their significance. Its a story Ive told a hundred times, and one that I never think anything of, but it seemed to resonate with Cyan.

After watching the interview, I had a friend IM me.

him: you are an anomaly

me: why?

him: because you are so truthful in an industry not known for its truth

me: thats sad.

Is that true? Am I different than most? Tony seems real enough. People like Joe Green, Michael Galpert, Dave McClure, Brad Feld, Erin Kotecki Vest, Lisa Stone, and many other folks are people that I consider to be “real.”

What makes me like this folks?

It then dawned on me. I have immutable core values. Core values that dont adjust or morph based on the situation. They are clear and they are specific.

1) Always tell the truth.

2) Always do the right thing.

Thats how I view my world. I tell the truth. I do the right thing. Always. Sometimes that choice leads to pain, loneliness, detriment. But, it always leads to happiness. I can live with myself, which is not something that I could say was always true.

Whats my secret to happiness? Not having regrets. How can I never have regrets? I always tell the truth, and I always do the right thing.

Its that simple. But arent the best things always?

At Graphicly, we have almost finished moving into a new space. We have a clear vision towards the future, and have a rockstar team.

But, we are missing articulated core values. As a long time manager and coach, I have learned that you can only push your core values on a team so far. At some point, the team has to create their own. And not just the internal team, but the entire corpus of stockholders. For us, thats our community, our investors, our team and our advisors. As we build out our list of core values, we have solicited feedback from each of these constituencies.

The outcome will be a list of core values that matter. That are solid and focused.

The outcome will be a company that people can be happy to be part of, not because of the checks they receive, but because of the experience we provide.

After all, its really that simple.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Making News: Core Values and Clear Vision (davidhenderson.com)
• Why Zappos.com Stands Out As a Best Practice (mindjumpers.com)
• Four Lessons on Culture and Customer Service from Zappos Founder, Tony Hsieh (blogs.hbr.org)
• Gallery: The Hottest of Comic Con 2010! (cinematical.com)

Over the last couple of years, I have continued to be open in my writing and my presentations, but have slowed down a bit in the last year or so. I feel like I have said everything that I need to say, and my ability to stop doing something so destructive no longer defined me. What defined me was who I am as a person, and the effort I undertake to do good.

But every once in awhile something happens or someone does something that makes me think “You just dont get it.” Strangely enough, this time it was Lindsay Lohan, and her behavior in court.

Not sure if you saw the photo of her fingernail polish, but here you go:

Yup, thats a big F-U to the judge. Smart move? Nope. But indicative of a common characteristic of some who is battling addiction.

You believe you are invincible.

You could see it in her total surprise at the sentence. You can watch it in her behavior while wearing the SCRAM bracelet. She thought she was invincible. She is not alone in that feeling, its what we all feel.

(Please note, I am not condoning any of her actions. Those are for her to own and deal with.)

When you are an addict, you have a small group of friends. They are almost all addicts as well. You share a secret. You believe that they will all be there for you regardless. You believe that with the power of your friends, you are invincible.

You do stupid things like drive. Or go to court loaded. Or get an MRI while cracked out.

Yes. Thats my brain on drugs.

I thought that the invincibility I felt while in the midst of my party days would subside once I realized how big an idiot I had been (and, while you might not believe that an addict has to hit rock bottom, and want to get sober, its so very true. Jail doesnt do it automatically. Nor does public humiliation. Its different for everyone, I hope for Lindsay’s sake, this is her bottom), but that feel never goes away.

It must be one of the characteristics of an addictive personality, that feeling of invincibility. Of knowing that regardless of the circumstance, the stupid choice (its not like I never knew I was doing dumb things), or the pain I caused others, it would be okay.

Even now, as an entrepreneur, I see this believe of invincibility sneak back in. And, its not just me. I see it in all entrepreneurs, whether they are successful or not. The belief that regardless of the challenges set before them, that they can single-handedly overcome them. (Part of being invincible is being able to handle everything.)

It surfaces in weird places. I read Brad’s post today about Giving More Than You Get, and thought about this issue of invincibility. You can even be invincible from time sucks. You can do it all, you are invincible after all.

Same for feelings. Say what you want about me. Im invincible. Your barbs and bullshit dont bother me. I can deal with anything that you throw at me.

Every day, I deal with the fact that I believe in myself more greatly that I believe in anyone else. Its my greatest fault. No one has ever been singularly successful. No one. Each day, I remind myself that I am not invincible. Each day, I reflect on the things that I havent done well, or right, or failed on, because it reminds me that I cant do everything. I am not invincible after all.

I really dont know where I am going with this post. I just felt that I needed to write about the downside of invincibility. We will all look at Lindsay and other celebrities and other people of note and rail against the special attention they are getting, or their ability to skip out on their responsibilities. I imagine there will be a fair number of comments about how she is a horrible person, and that I am way off base. Thats fine, people feel what they feel.

But, there is a real downside to being Superman. To being invincible. And, unfortunately for Lindsay Lohan, thats includes jail. I hope she, and anyone else caught in the throws of addiction, realizes the beauty of vulnerability, and makes the necessary changes.

(BTW, if you are in a place where you feel you cant get out, give me a call – 720-248-8499 or find a friend. I am happy to listen, and help you realize the decision you want to make.)

Related articles by Zemanta

• Is it good for Lindsay Lohan to get punished? (psychologytoday.com)
• Does A Loss Of Plasticity Of The Brain Lead To Addiction? (medicalnewstoday.com)
• Protein regulator shows promise against addiction (sciencenews.org)
• Wired examines the neuroscience of Alcoholics Anonymous (boingboing.net)

Dont know what Werewolf is? Its a card game played by a large group of folks, where the outcome is predicated on the ability of the Villagers to determine who the Werewolves are prior to the Werewolves killing all the Villagers.

It has two phases: Day and Night. During the Night, Werewolves kill one person, and during the Day the Villagers kill one person. Since the knowledge of who is a Werewolf grows over time, there are a significant number of Villagers that get “lynched” that are completely innocent.

Hence the interesting component of the game: The Moral Dilemma.

On April 1, 2006, I got sober. As I made the decision to make a significant change in my life, I decided that there would be two “rules” that I would live by. These rules would be immutable. That in their inflexibility, I would find the freedom to move forward and not be shackled by choice. You see, whenever I was presented by two options: the fun and the right, I always chose the fun. After all, if one couldnt enjoy life, why should one live it?

As I mulled over the options, I kept coming back to my father, Rich. Rich has always done the right thing without question. He is the most responsible person I know, and never seems to put himself in a situation where the proper outcome was unknown or unreachable. He is also the most honest person I know. Flat out.

Those two qualities make him one of the most respected people in my life, and after destroying the respect others–and myself–had for me, I decided that I would:

1) Never lie. No matter what. When asked a question, I would always answer it truthfully. Always.

2) Always do the right thing. Even if the right thing was no fun or was hurtful to me.

Thats it. Seems simple enough. And for the past four years, it has been easy enough to follow those rules.

With extremely positive results: I sold my company, worked for a great startup in Boulder, got involved with the tech scene in Boulder (including Techstars), and am now running Graphic.ly. Ive met hundreds of people across the country that I now call friends (Im IM’ing with a few while I write this). My life is pretty darn solid.

Back to the game of Werewolf.

Part of the game is the ability of players to lie, misdirect and manipulate. Three things that I am actually quite good at. But, before we started the game, I decided that I would hold true to my rules. See if I could still be successful at a game that is predicated on the opposite.

For the first couple of hours, it was easy. The game flowed, and I enjoyed the games. Sometimes I would die early, sometimes I would last awhile. I think I was on the winning team a couple of times.

Then, in a game, where it seemed that it was extremely important that everyone believed me (remember its based on the fact that no one really trusts anyone for longer than a single game), I said, “I dont lie. When I got sober 4 years ago, I decided to never lie again. To answer any question asked of me. I dont lie.”

Which, as one might imagine, was met with absolute skepticism.

Over the next few games, people started asking me questions: “Are you a werewolf? No, Im not.” And, over time, people began to truly believe me. And, depending on my role, I would either die early, or allowed to stick around.

Most interestingly, the “I dont lie,” tactic began to be used by more people. “On my honor,” people would say, “I am not a werewolf.” And, more often than not, people would be telling the truth.

Finally, as it got closer to breakfast time (we had been playing for 7 hours by then), a situation presented itself where my rules came into question. A friend I have known for some time — and known to be trustworthy, exclaimed to not be a werewolf “on his honor.” The opposition, someone I met at the retreat, professed her innocence as well.

Here was the problem. I knew my friend was lying, and my new friend wasnt.

My rule #2 was called into question. I knew that the right thing to do was to take my friend at his word, and hope that he wasnt willing to jeopardize the trust I had in him over a game.

Trusting in friends is always the right thing to do, even if it ends up hurting me in the end.

So, as I voted to have my new friend “lynched,” knowing that I was probably losing the game, I asked myself if I was doing the right thing. Was I making a mistake? Should I have made the decision I knew would end up in victory, but would also send the message to my friend that lying to me was ok?

No. I did the right thing. Without question.

Now who wants to play Werewolf?

Word Count: 895

“Its about dream fulfillment,” he said. “Its about connecting people with ideas. Its about creating opportunities where they didnt exist.”

Then he said, “its about connecting people that would be friends even if they had nothing to offer each other.”

And for some reason, that concept percolated in my brain for the past day.

When I go to a networking event, I look for people that I would love to spend time with regardless of what they could offer me professionally. Obviously, there is always a potential that my company will benefit from the relationship, but its not my primary goal.

My friend Brad Feld never takes a meeting over lunch or coffee. Want to meet with him? Get on his calendar and meet him at his office. His meetings usually last 30 minutes, and he can squeeze in tons of them over a week. The key to a meeting with Brad? Have a purpose. I imagine its the samewith any overly busy person, where they are primarily seen as someone who has something to give (venture funding).

I hate meeting Brad in his office. I hate meeting anyone in my office. But I understand the efficiency of the arrangement. I meet people for coffee, sometimes lunch, rarely dinner. I want to see how people are in an equal setting. One where we are mutually working towards a goal. They might be looking for advice, an introduction, the beginning of a strategic deal, whatever. Im usually looking to determine if an extended relationship makes sense. Are they someone I would do business with? Are they someone I would hang out with? Are they someone I would be willing to recommend to others?

At its basis, all business is relationships.

Does that mean I take less meetings because they tend not to be in my office? No. This week, I have 15 meeting requests that we are squeezing into my calendar. The ones I am most excited about are the ones with people that are both doing interesting things and two have a bit of knowledge about me (I drink tea, not coffee. I dont drink alcohol, so there are no meetings “over drinks”) or are interested in exploring interesting ideas. I think there are 4 this week.

I dont like people. We have established that, and I repeat that. I am trying to do a better job, by spending time with people as often as I can. But, I still cant get over the events where people look first at your name tag and then make a decision how much time they are probably going to spend with you. I cant deal with the events where your value is determined by whom you are talking to, hanging out with, etc. I refuse to wear name tags for that specific reason. Dont know me? Ask. Shake my hand. Ill take time with anyone who is willing to take some time with me.
I spend my life getting to know people. I love the connections I make, especially the ones that grow into real relationships. I can honestly say that I can go to almost any city in the US and spend quality time with someone. That, to me, is an accomplishment to be proud of.

At its basis, life is about relationships.

We cant live in a bubble away from other people. As much as we like to put on headphones and tune out the world. Or sit at home with our pets and watch random teen angst comedies like Bring It On (ok, maybe thats just me), the world is made up of people. We live more solid lives connected to others. We learn, love and grow because of the people that we allow ourselves to connect to.

Life is about connecting to people that would be friends, even if they had nothing to offer professionally. Life is about giving without expectation, qualification or condition. Life is about the other people that fill it.

I guess after that polly-anna statement, I need to adjust my “I hate people” stance. I hate people that care selfishly. I hate people that worry more about what they are getting than what they are providing. I hate people that dont accept that they are part of something larger and work towards making that something larger something greater.

At its basis, people are relationships.

I headed to Washington, DC after college with my long time friend, Larry “Bubba” Henderson, and after a few months of ramen, we both landed jobs. He worked for Georgetown University where he was pursuing a graduate degree, and I started at a nonprofit called CASE. While the true name of CASE was the Council for Advancement and Support of Education, the joke in the industry we served (college and university alumni, development and PR offices) was that it stood for Copy And Steal Everything.

Its not that we were thieves, but that given the finite amount of ways one can raise money or hold a homecoming, ownership over ideas became secondary to the sharing of ideas. Its an amazing thing to see it occur, where while there might be a sense of competition for resources and acclaim, seeing everyone succeed far outweighed the desire for individual success.

Does that work in the startup world? Can we share? I often talk that the main benefit of Boulder is not the small size, or the vibrant tech community, but that there lives a strong sense of “cooperative competition” in the community that drives collective success further than individual success.

This morning as I caught up with email and tweets, I saw a tweet from Ian Rodgers, CEO of TopSpin. I both admire Ian and Topspin, so, almost without thinking, I clicked through the link, which was a free download to a mixtape. As I entered my email address to get the mixtape, I started to think about how TopSpin connects artists with their fans directly, and if there was a place for that within Graphic.ly. Then I started to think about all the other companies that did stuff that I really enjoyed personally, and how (or if) any of it could be integrated in our product roadmap.

Jake Nickell, who is a friend and investor in Graphic.ly, founded Threadless. I am a huge fan of Threadless (those that know me, know that I wear nothing but Threadless tshirts, and have every day for the past two or three years (except for about 5 days). The Threadless community is amazing. Jeffrey Kalmikoff, Harper Reed, Jake and all the early folks at Threadless built a community that numbers more than 1,000,000, and spends its time talking about art, design, tshirts. Its a solid community, one that is open and friendly. When we were launching Graphic.ly, I spent time thinking about ways that we could build the foundation for just such a community.

There are other companies that do things that impress me. Twitter‘s simplicity is amazing. It takes less than 5 seconds to write 140 characters and send it out into the ether. Often, there is no response, but there is an emotional feeling that some number of people just read a wisp of a thought. The emotional attachment to something so simple is intriguing. How do we help our users feel good about doing little things?

Automattic (makers of WordPress) are another company that I like to pull inspiration from. Both in the distributed, everyone can contribute, way that the software is built, but also in Matt‘s undying desire to meet every wordpress user in the world, and personally thank them. I want, like Automattic, for our users to see their fingerprints in Graphic.ly. And, both Kevin and I want to shake the hand of every Graphic.ly user current and future, and tell them the importance of their participation in what we are collectively building.

Sharing is ok. Competing is ok. They are not mutually exclusive. I had lunch with Rantz, from Longbox Digital, a few weeks ago. Great guy. Great conversation. We talked about how our companies could help the comic industry and each other. Look for an interesting announcement in the near future.  The next time I am in NYC, I plan to reach out to David from Comixology (we have had several conversations in the past), and Wade from Panelfly (who I have never met). When I am down at SXSW, hopefully, I will be able to connect with Michael of iVerse (since I will be in his home state, and would love to meet him). I want to talk about ways that our companies can competitively cooperate. I want to find ways that our companies can collectively do things to help the comics industry.

As you set about to build your company, think about the pieces that you personally enjoy with other companies. Think about the things you dont enjoy. Dont just build something because your board, advisors or investors tell you to. Focus on the things that you love, that problems that you face, the things you can learn.

And then share those. Make the people and companies around you better. Even if they are your competition.

Word Count: 871

I mean, I love Gary who popularized the line. But, Jesus, community isnt about creating a lovefest of people that express their caring through the artificial means that internet tools like twitter (“Good morning, my tweeties”) or facebook (“Happy Birthday!” — even though we havent spoken in 15 years) or any other “social network.”

If you care about your community, participate in it. Its not about caring. Its about participating.

Last year, I learned that lesson first hand. For most of my life, I was content to have “friends” that I interacted with only via the internet. An email here, and IM there. I would actively avoid physical interaction, mostly because I (guess) Im uncomfortable around people. But, in this past year, I spent the year flying around meeting people. Speaking at conferences. Participating in the social media community. And, I loved it.

People are what make a community. Participation is what makes it grow.

I dont care about my community. I care about the people in the community.

When Gary was in Denver for a book signing, we were stuck in traffic and we talked about a million things. But after a moment of silence, he turned to me and said, “Micah, I love people. I really do.” to which I immediately replied, “I dont.”

Its not that I dont love people. I do. Some would say that I love too hard. I am, in many ways, the embodiment of passion. I trust. I love. I enjoy people. I just dont enjoy the “stuff” that seems to exist around most people, especially when people congregate into groups. Its why, Im focused on this year as the year of people. I am trying to expand beyond work and truly interact with folks.

The week prior I was in NYC. Two amazing things happened. First, at a party, I got to (finally) give Karen Hartline a hug. We have spoken via my blog and twitter in the past, even were in the same place at the same time, but just never really connected. It was great that for a minute, she and I could connect, and I know that the next time we are in the same city (which is hard given our travel schedules), we will get a real opportunity to connect, and our community, the one we both belong to, will be stronger because of it.

I also was at a party, where almost randomly, I met Amber Rae. We talked briefly, and then because of that connection we connected online. To be honest, I would have probably never connected to Amber Rae online if I hadnt met her in person. Now, I have a friend who’s philosophies and outlook on life are absolutely intriguing and interesting. Next week, when I am in SF, we are hoping to connect and extend the conversation we started in NYC.

Does participation have to be physical? Yes. Without a doubt there is a huge difference in physical participation than participating online. Looking at someone in the face. Hearing their words. Giving them a hug. Those things matter. Hugely. They matter more than how much you know about the person because of an IM conversation. Humans are physical beings, and being welcomed into someone else’s physical space is the greatest form of trust.

Are you in the business of building a community? Then find ways to have your community members physically connect. Find the time. Find the budget. Expend the effort.

As people the greatest gift we give each other is physical touch. In this world on the internet, I think many of us have forgotten that. Many of us replace a direct message, an instant message, a facebook message with a simple hug or phone call.

My growing issue with social media and our community is that so many people are not in the community for the community. They are networkers. They are looking for clients. They want to show that they are thought leaders. More and more people are participating in the community as a way to generate revenue for themselves or their company. There is a significant loss of genuine caring. People dont care about the people, they care about the outcome or transaction.

I am beginning to like people. I am beginning to like people because I am participating in a community with no ulterior motive other than to make friends. Real friends.

So if you see me, and I give you a hug, its because I honestly want to know you. I am actually excited to see YOU.

Stop worrying so much about caring, and start participating. You might be surprised at how awesome the people are.

Word count: 785

Let me know what you think.

I used to play lacrosse. I retired about 3 or so years ago. I suffered some paralysis in the my right leg which makes it difficult for my body to follow what my mind commands it to do. My quickness and speed have been reduced to the point where I just no longer enjoy playing. My speed is gone.

Yesterday, I was at the office until 8pm. In fact, most of my team was there (not to mention the folks in the UK, where it was 3am) as we go ready to release the next version of our Alpha Air App. (For those that dont know what I do, I run a company called Graphic.ly, which provides the ability for people to buy, read and discuss digital comics. Want to try it? I heard that there might be a download link somewhere around here.) I enjoy release day. Its the end of a solid week of work. The team has busted their asses to produce something new and interesting. Its fantastic.

This week, I launched our AIR app, and the first thought “Man, this is slow” was filled with disappointment. I asked if the office internet was running slow. Yes it was. Good times…

The night prior, I had dinner with a startup CEO from Israel, who is contemplating a move to Boulder. His startup is in the search space, and we got to talking about Lijit (where I spent two years helping grow the publisher and user base). He asked if I had any advice.

“Make it fast.” I replied.

I remember using my first computers when I was a kid (TRS-80, thank you very much!) where I could turn it on, have my mom take me to a movie and dinner, come home, take a nap, write the great American novel, and then wait for it to load.

Computers and speed were not synonymous. Then the 286 was followed by the 386, which was followed by the 486 processor. All of a sudden, computers became the hot rods of the 1990s. And, to stamp the arrival of the need for speed, in 1998, Google launched and in the upper right corner, they listed, full of hubris, the time it took to return a query. 0.08 sec for 2,000,000 results! Google would proudly proclaim.

And the need for speed exploded.

Usability experts started to explain that a website had 8 seconds to capture a user. Even worse, users began to demand speed. The choices were too many, there is no need for anyone to speed time on anything. And it wasnt just speed of the web applications. It became speed of information and communication. Email became too slow. IM became too slow. Twitter now is too slow.

Speed. Speed. Speed. Speed. Its all that matters.

Now, I look at the Graphic.ly app, which, at its core is a comic book reader, and I think, “the activity stream is loading slow.” Of course, by slow, I mean 1-2 seconds. By slow, I just mean that I notice it.

Paul Buchkeit in a post about the iPad wrote:

I’m not sure, but one thing I’ve noticed is that I spend more time browsing the web from my iPhone than from my laptop. I’m not entirely sure why, but part of it is the simplicity. My iPhone is ready to use in under 1/2 second, while my laptop always takes at least a few seconds to wake up, and then there’s a bunch of stuff going on that distracts me.

While Paul mentions that the difference between <.5 seconds and 1-2 seconds in load time was a major factor, he does mention the importance of simplicity. Given he worked at Google, its not a surprise that speed and simplicity are at the forefront of his mind (one can see it in the design and functionality of Friendfeed, founded by Paul), but what surprised me was that I wasnt surprised that speed was a factor in device choice.

As I sit here with Joe Stump, founder of SimpleGeo, and am watching his excitement at the speed his product can return information, its become extremely clear.

Speed is no longer just a function of good code, or slick design. Speed has become a feature, and a core feature at that.

We need to manage speed the same way we manage friend finding, replying, updating and any of the other 1,000s of other features that exist in the products we are building.

Speed no longer kills. Speed is now required for life.

word count: 741

This post is going to be a bit bouncy. Not in a “happy, happy, bouncy, bouncy” way, but in a “it will move around a lot” way.

Lets start with yesterday.

I had lunch with my father. Not my adoptive father, but my biological father.

Now, lets go back three decades.

My mom and biological father got divorced when I was about a year and a half old. My mom and I moved to California (East Palo Alto, yo!) where after a couple of weeks, she met my adoptive (I dont like calling him my step) dad. They lived together for a couple of years, and when I was five got married.

Fast forward a couple of years.

When I was seven, my biological father came to visit, and I told him that I wanted my mom’s current husband to adopt me. He agreed, and gave up all legal rights.

Yup, with a simple conversation, my biological father broke all ties with me.

Fast forward another ten years.

Now I am a freshman at UC Davis, and its been about ten years since I have spoken to my biological father. I get a card from him on my birthday explaining how sorry he was, and I, being somewhat forgiving and curious, give him a call. A few months later he comes to visit.

I remember that for most of that visit, I was just angry and sad. Here was a guy that could have been part of my life for the last ten years, and chose not to. My biological father opted out.

Lets just blaze through the next 15 or so years…

My biological father and I have sporadic interactions, probably less than 10 times. I try to visit him in Colorado, and he comes to California. Each time, I get the same feeling of anger and sadness. Was it something I did? I know, intellectually, its not, but much like any relationship that doesnt work out, there is always the tickle at the back of my mind that I was the cause of the disintegration.

At the same time, my mom and dad have two daughters, who are awesome, and our family is rather solid. There is fighting of course, and I do a lot of really stupid things. (I am kinda the king of stupid things.) But its a family, a real family. We are all actually friends. To this day a week doesnt go by that I dont somehow talk to most of my family.

Now zoom in on 2001 or so.

My company fails. I decide to come to Colorado for a summer and get to know my biological father and his wife. I plan to spend the summer doing manual labor. My biological father assures me he has jobs lined up. I pack up everything and come out to Colorado. I live in his house. I cant get rid of the feelings of anger and sadness.

None of the jobs materialize. I burn through most of my cash by the end of the summer. I apply to business school, but given my history of being the kind of stupid things, I dont get in. I find a job in Denver, and my biological father asks me to move out of his house. I do.

A year or so later, I start a new company. It goes well. About every month or so, I get a call “Lets get together! I really want to build a relationship with you.” and every time, a date isnt set. Or its moved. Or whatever. The anger and sadness just sit in my stomach. They are almost welcome friends at this point.

How about a quick stop in 2005-ish?

I ask my biological father to meet me for coffee. He does. I explain the anger and sadness that I have carried for more than two decades. “You cant be my father.” I tell him. “You lost that opportunity when you left.”

He nods. His face gets droopy. I continue. “I only want things in my life that are positive. I cant have negativity. You want to be in my life, then focus on that.” He nods again. “You cant be my father, but you can be my friend.”

He agrees. I leave. I feel good for the first time in years.

A few days later, I get a call, “Lets get together. I want to do a better job of connecting.” Fine. That meeting never occurs. The sadness and anger return.

Lets settle on yesterday.

We have lunch. The anger and sadness are enveloping me. I listen to him talk about how he is focusing on his new adoptive daughter because he finally realizes how he missed out on my life, and just try to eat as fast as I can. Lunch ends. I leave. My head hurts, my stomach is upset. The sadness and anger are roaring in my ears.

And finally, I realize, Im done. I cant do it. I cant try to have a relationship with someone who fundamentally betrayed me. Who I cant trust. I finally realize that all of my relationships mirror the one I have with my father. At some point, they all get filled with sadness and anger. They all become horribly dysfunctional. They all end in disappointment.

Finally, I woke up today.

My head is not hurting for the first time in more than a week. My brain is clear. The feeling of sadness and anger that has been in my gut for what feels like forever is…well…smaller. I get it now. We may not get to select our family, but by God, we dont have to force it to work. We dont have to fix it, or fix the people around us. We are who we are, sometimes in spite of our biological roots.

My biological father fucked up. I know that now. And I realize how lucky I am to have my mom and dad and sisters.

word count: 1050

But over the past year or so, that has changed. Writing has become the one way for me to put my thoughts in order. Its why I undertook this 750 words project. Its why I make time to blog.

Now when I need to think through something, I write. Not about anything in particular. I literally start with a blank page and start putting down words. The words often will quickly fall one after the other, and just as often, I have no idea where they are going.

So I follow them. I let them pull the thoughts directly out of my head, and then, at some point, I stop, and usually, press publish.

When Im done, I feel so much better. The rock in my belly made up of indecision and uncertainty finally makes sense, and I can breathe cleanly. Decisions can be made and directions become clear.

There is another type of writing I do. I started doing it about two years ago or so. Its a private writing. Usually its when there are things I want to say to someone (sometimes its someone that I have a relationship with, but it can be employees, investors, friends, whomever) but feel that saying what I am writing is just too selfish. They are things I want to say, but perhaps dont need to be said.

I tend to do it in email format. Adding the person’s email address and subject line somehow makes it “real.” After all, its not that hard to just press send, if I really wanted to. (Of course, its also relatively easy to accidentally press send, like I did a few weeks ago. It was like I was in a bad teenage comedy where as I realized when I had done, a silent “nooooooooooo!” escaped my lips, and I frantically tried to undo the send in gmail. Of course, Mailplane decided to fail at that exact moment as well–goodbye Mailplane. Then, I sat there thinking, “should I send an email suggesting that reading the email I just sent might be a bad idea? Or should I just ignore it and let it go?” Given the previous email was incomplete, I decided to write another and send it. Of course, now there were two emails that really shouldnt have seen the light of day, but whatever… *sigh*)

Its amazing how after I write an email that I never intend to send how good I feel. How all the thoughts and feelings that I couldnt express are finally out of my head and stomach, and I can finally move forward.

In a way, this 750 word project sits in the middle of the public and private writing I do. I can explore ideas and thoughts publicly, get feedback, and help me formulate plans of action, 0r, frankly, confirmation of what I am doing seems to resonate.

I really never expected writing to become such a part of my life. I have no training; Ive never had a journal. I could careless about creative writing growing up. I dont have a solid vocabulary and I cant turn a phrase particularly well. But, that blank screen, with a blinking cursor has become a welcome addition to my life.

Rarely, do I re-read what I have written. It starts and it finishes. Its like a conversation. I try to make sense, although I know that often I dont. As I slowly realized that I am not writing for anyone but myself, my enjoyment of writing has increased. I spend time on this blog writing about professional concepts and personal issues with equal aplomb as both are equally interesting…to me.

Im a talker. Anyone that has spend any time with me knows that I prefer to speak. A lot. Writing has always been a chore. Why write something that I could just say? I cant watch the reaction of the other person as I write. I cant see if the message or concept is being heard. Writing is so solitary. Now, strangely, I find that I would rather write things down than just talk about them. Its not that I can get my thoughts in a row, (I think) its that the typing forces me to think slower, and really embrace the ideas, thoughts and feelings. I spend more time thinking before I write than I do when I speak.

And for those of you that get IMs and tweets asking if you have read a particular post, know its because I believe you will actually enjoy it and I want to share it with you.

Since thats the greatest thing about writing. Sharing.

word count: 820

Related articles by Zemanta

• Write different (kottke.org)
• Maybe Every Thought Aggregates (broadcasting-brain.com)
• “It is WILD when your characters speak to you, and really lonely when it they don’t.” (gointothestory.com)

I really do. I am an opinionated person, and I have a big mouth. I often tell my team, when asked, I will always make a decision, so if you dont want me to make a decision, then dont ask.

I like to give advice.

Over the years, I have made many mistakes, both personally and professionally. It seems that sharing those experiences is a good thing. So, I give advice.

I like to give advice.

Maybe its a Jewish thing? Maybe its something that my family does. During most conversations I have with my sisters, Mom and Dad, there are moments where advice is given or sought. Its almost just part of the fabric of our interactions.

I like to give advice.

I get emails from entrepreneurs asking about their startups, difficulties they are facing, Techstars, fund raising, and other startup questions. I love sitting down, either in person or over the phone and having a quick conversation. I answer every email (as timely as I can) honestly and with (what I think) solid advice.

I like to give advice.

Over the last few days, it finally dawned on me that the operative word in that sentence was “I”. I like to give advice. Ive never really stopped to think if the other person wants to hear my advice.

Last night, I had a text message exchange with a friend. It kinda went exactly like this:

Me: Anything I can help with?

Her: I’m good for now. A little adviced out for the day. xoxo

Me: I’m finished giving anyone advice.

Her: Oh come on. u love it. And we need it.

Me: LOL. I do it too much.

Her: Maybe :)

Yup. confirmation. Im comfortable giving advice. It makes me feel good. But, I honestly give advice because on some level, I think it is also helpful, and being helpful is truly important to me, but as I think more and more about it, I give advice because I like to give advice.

Thinking about why I give advice, it has to because at some level, I want to feel like I am providing value to a relationship, and “being there” is so valuable. I end up being there by providing advice. That is my value, sharing the experiences and knowledge that I have gained over the course of my life doing bad and good things.

Am I alone? Do other people like to give advice? Given that more than $10 billion is spent on self-help stuff, I guess a lot of people like to hear advice. Is my desire to provide advice a little bit pompous? Probably. After all, I have to believe that the information I am providing is of value. That seems a bit pompous.

I like to give advice.

So Im done. I am no longer giving advice. Whether its in this blog or in person, I am not giving advice. Its not as helpful I think it might be. And, since its actually, at least in my case, somewhat selfish, I think I am going to stop giving advice.

I like giving advice.

It’s not going to be easy for me to stop. Its almost like breathing at this point. Person says “I am really tired.” I respond “You should sleep more.” Damn! Thats advice. Must stop doing that. Perhaps the better response is “Why are you so tired?” or “I see.” or “I understand, Im pretty tired too.”

Hurm. Its really not going to be easy. Plus, I just realized that I am probably giving myself advice. Its like an addiction! I just cant stop! Sheesh.

I like giving advice.

As I think about it more and more, I have begun to realize something. I dont like to receive advice. I dont like receiving advice unless I ask for it. How can the advice I give be so good, that I should be okay providing it unsolicited, and the other person so excited to receive it that they overlook that its unsolicited? I mean, after all, I probably have some good thoughts, but they cant all be good (no matter what I think).

I like giving advice, but I like being asked for it more.

And that the right answer. I am still going to give advice. But I am only going to do it if specifically asked for it. Asked for it directly and clearly. I wont even prompt for it with the simple question “Want to hear what I think?”. Im going cold turkey. No more advice.

I like giving advice, but I like my friends more.

word count: 769

Related articles by Zemanta

• The economics of advice (marginalrevolution.com)
• The Effects of Argument Explicitness on Responses to Advice in Supportive Interaction (tc.eserver.org)
• Does the Loudest Person You Hear Give the Best Advice? (2-speed.com)
• Why do entrepreneurs flock to loudmouths as mentors? (entrepreneur.venturebeat.com)
• Don’t be a snob about career advice (penelopetrunk.com)

Because of the focus on the tactics and application of leadership, we assume that leaders come from a certain stock of people, and the rest of us just have to learn how to become leaders. But leadership really isnt that much of a mystery.

Work based leadership is task based. The goal is to achieve something, and the chain of command is clearly delineated. The goal of the leader, is to keep everyone working in the same direction, towards the same goal, with an eye to completion at a set date.

For example, at Graphic.ly, we release an update to our Adobe AIR App Alpha every Friday. That means by Thursday morning, we need to have a working internal version for QA, and we need to have it through QA by Thursday afternoon. Its a simple process, and with solid task based leadership, we seem to complete it more often than not.

But what about in our personal lives?

Our personal lives are not task based. There is no clear hierarchy. Our friends, our family, our loved ones all expect a certain amount of time and attention. And for most of the people I know, life is something that is fit around and integrated into career. Career is what trumps life.

If in our careers, leadership, goals and hierarchy are so clearly defined, how do we easily transition that construct to our daily lives?

Its not quite as simple nor as straight forward as it is in our day jobs. The key, the real key to building leadership within our personal lives is to put ourselves in front of all others.

Leadership in our personal lives, unlike in the professional world, is something fluid. Time becomes something to hoard. Personal time because something we value.

Yet, we are taught to be nice. To be giving. To provide. These are all the hallmarks of a life lived well. We are taught that its better to give than receive, to provide is divine, etc.

All those lessons cause nothing but consternation and difficulty. In practice, we give up the leadership of our lives to others. Even others that we want to be part of our lives.

Its important to note that I am not advocating taking instead of giving, just that by putting ourselves first, we actually provide a clear set of engagement rules that allow us to define the interactions and allow for a bit of control and direction.

To provide leadership to friends, family and loved ones, it can only be achieved through action. We must be able to interact in ways that provide a positive outcome for all involved.

For everyone the actual steps and rules are different, but these are the ones that I currently employ:

• There is this 750words project;
• I try to take the first hour when I get home from the office to myself. I never go straight from work to an event, dinner, etc. without at least a bit of a break (even if its in my office);
• I never stay anywhere too long;
• I keep my close friend list short. Mostly because that group of people get (relatively) unfettered access, and I cant provide that to too many people;
• I try and be clear about what I want from people, and ask that they respond in kind. Its not always pleasant, but its (almost) always clear.
• I put myself before everyone. If I am being nice to someone, its because I want to be nice, not because I feel an obligation. My only obligation is to myself.

As the internet and other forms of communication and information accelerants enter our lives, its getting harder to create clear delineation between our personal and professional lives. The tactics and strategies that work in one, dont really work in the other. Leadership, needs to exist in all aspects of our lives, we just need to employ it in different ways. In the professional world, we are looking to achieve goals and complete tasks. In our private lives we are looking to obtain happiness and balance.

For those of us that are considered leaders in our professional lives (due primarily to position) have a difficult time transferring that leadership into our personal lives because of the clear shift in effective personal leadership. We need to determine our own personal tactics, or, eventually, we arent leading our lives. They are being led for us.

Words: 781

Related articles by Zemanta

• 16 Building Leadership Skills (slideshare.net)
• Motivation Takes Leadership, Not Just Money (startupprofessionals.com)
• How to Be a Leader (ismckenzie.com)
• Jan Birchfield, Ph.D: A Dialogue on Leadership in Uncertain Times: Session 8 (huffingtonpost.com)
• Great Leaders Ask Great Questions (drivenleaders.com)
• What Do We Expect From “Real” Leaders? (myventurepad.com)

The idea, as Buster Benson [twitter], the creator lays out:

I’ve long been inspired by an idea I first learned about in The Artist’s Way called morning pages. Morning pages are three pages of writing done every day, typically encouraged to be in “long hand”, typically done in the morning, that can be about anything and everything that comes into your head. It’s about getting it all out of your head, and is not supposed to be edited or censored in any way. The idea is that if you can get in the habit of writing three pages a day, that it will help clear your mind and get the ideas flowing for the rest of the day. Unlike many of the other exercises in that book, I found that this one actually worked and was really really useful.

I’ve used the exercise as a great way to think out loud without having to worry about half-formed ideas, random tangents, private stuff, and all the other things in our heads that we often filter out before ever voicing them or writing about them. It’s a daily brain dump. Over time, I’ve found that it’s also very helpful as a tool to get thoughts going that have become stuck, or to help get to the bottom of a rotten mood.

At first, I thought what a great idea. My friend Niel Robertson [twitter] reads every morning for an hour. Other friends are great at doing small things to get them going each morning. Me? I wake up, walk into my home office and start working. At some point, I feed the dogs and cats, and then take a shower and head into the office. Then at about 8pm, I head home. I feed the dogs and cats, and then walk into my home office. At like 2am, I go to sleep. Thats my life. Oh! And sometimes, I do it in other cities (but I leave the feeding of the dogs and cats to someone else).

I need to find a way to break that cycle. To do something in the am, that is for me, but also gets my brain cranking in the right direction. Buster’s 750 word idea was great. But, 750words.com is private. Im not a private person. Instead, I am going to try and write a blog post each morning. Will they all be interesting? Hell no. Will they all be personal? Um, hell no. Will they all be professional? Um, seriously, hell no.

What they will be is just whatever I am thinking about that morning.

Like this morning, I was thinking back over my last few days here in New York. I spent time thinking about all the people I have spent real time with. Not at a bar, or during a loud party, but real time with. Folks like George G Smith, Jr. [twitter] (owner of the worlds longest twitter name). We never spent much time together in Boulder, but that dude is awesome. He is extremely thoughtful, and I think, in someways forgets to put himself first. I got to have lunch with Saul Colt [twitter]. Who each time I spend time with, I end up loving more. Saul is really the type of person I want to be. He taught me that the first question you should ask is “How can I help?” and mean it.

Last night, I got to spend time with Emily Cavalier [twitter], who is made for New York. Her energy is infectious and happy (with a little crazy), but definitely positive. I got to catch up with the Ignighter guys (Adam, Dan and Kevin), who each time I get to NYC I try and say hello. Its awesome to watch their maturation from the first time we sat down at Japango in Boulder in 2008. You can see in their eyes the confidence of finally understanding a direction.

My New York Name Brother, Micah Spear [twitter] is so full of excitement and energy, he took me from exhaustion to bouncy in about a, well, New York Minute. Probably one of the highlights of my trip.

I had a wonderful dinner with Jessica Randazza [twitter], someone I consider not just a friend, but a great friend. Her concern and courage to move from Seattle to New York, and take on a big job at a big agency is inspiring. Risk taking is something that I pride myself on. Its the best quality in a person who has big dreams.

I suppose, as sappy as it sounds, what I am learning in this Year of People is that its not just time, but connection. Real connections, which are formed by each person giving just a little of themselves in return for a lot.

Pretty sure, I am going to like 2010.

words: 845