As I realize my set of tenants seems to be rather set in stone, here is another one:

If it makes me laugh, its funny to me. If its funny to me, and it doesnt make you laugh, thats even funnier to me.

This makes me laugh. A lot.

That dog - Taylor is her name-o - cracks me up.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Subscribe to this blog's RSS feed

Yes, even douchebags have mothers. I assume that often people are unsure of that reality when it comes to me, but the truth is, even I, the #1 douchebag on the internet (Google says so!), has a mother.

And, on Mother’s Day. I like to read all the posts about how wonderful people’s moms are. The quality of the posts never cease to amaze me, but the tone is often the same.

Everyone likes to write about how wonderful their mothers have been, but I havent seen anyone write about how wonderful they have been to they have been to their mothers.

Until now.

I, Micah Gabriel Baldwin, have been extraordinarily wonderful to my mother. How, you might ask, have I been able to do this? Well, lets start at the beginning.

I was born.

My birth was relatively easy, 8 hours in total (not quite as easy Marissa, my sister’s birth, which clocked in at 2 hours, or Natalia, my youngest sisters birth which clocked in at 18 minutes). Most importantly, I was born at 10:08 in the am, which enabled my mother to not miss an episode of her favorite soap opera, All My Children.

I was the man of the house.

From the age of 1.5, when my parents got divorced, until 2 years old, when my mom started dating Rich, my step-father (now adoptive father), I was the man of the house. I supported my mother as she moved from Colorado to California, and made every attempt to help out. I shit less, cried less and ate less. I was quite the man of the house.

I approved her marriage.

At the age of 5, Rich and my mother sat me down at our little wooden dining room table. “Micah,” Rich started, “I would like to marry your mother, and be your father. Are you okay with that?” With a simple wave of my hand, and a slight nod, I said, “Yes.” They have been married for 31 years now.

I stopped asking for money.

After college, I moved to Washington, DC, and soon got a job. The job didnt pay well, but it pretty much began the moment I no longer needed to ask for money. It was a good thing too, because my younger sisters were becoming quite the drain on the wallet, and it was important for me to help out my mom by being less of a deadbeat.

I moved back home.

At the age of 28 or so, after spending some time in Washington, DC and Southern California, I knew my mom was missing me staying at home for long periods of time. I could tell, because two weeks after I left for college, my room was turned into a study, whereas my sisters rooms were left as shrines to them. So, I moved back in while I was starting a new job and new company.

I moved out.

After about eight months, I moved up to Oakland, and realizing that the strain of me being so close, yet so far, was too much for my mom. So, I packed my things and moved to Colorado. Where I live to this day.

I sold my company and got a real job.

Making the ultimate sacrifice for my mother, I sold my company last year and got a real job with benefits. You see, for my mom, benefits are the most important thing, after all one doesnt know when a truck might hit one.

And, most importantly, I call her periodically.

It seems, that my mom loves to hear the sound of my voice. Take today for example. I have called her three times to wish her a Happy Mothers Day, and each time the answering machine comes on. She wants to record my voice! How sweet. So, I left heart warming messages such as:

“Mom, I know you are there, and just not picking up the phone. Why you have to be so mean?”

“Look woman, its Micah! Pick up the damn phone!”

and my favorite (its kinda an inside joke)

“I hope you have a long and painful death. Love, Micah”

You see, today is not just about honoring our mothers and all the wonderful things they’ve done and will do for us, but its about what we have done to help them out.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I know you know I rock.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Want to be considered for the greatest Rock Band band of all time? Here is your test:

Popularity: 3% [?]