I use Tweetie, and I have about a dozen saved searches for specific people (@lijit is one, @dgcohen23 is another). Among that list is @jeffrey, who at the time I was sitting in the movie, was sitting in the Chicago Red Carpet Club.

Over twitter, he had engaged in a quick discussion with @jenbee (owner of 20×200 [@20x200], my favorite place to find art that is way more valuable than the price you might pay–at least in access and quality. In fact, Jen, if there is anything I could ever do to help you out, lemme know) over failure.

For those that read this blog, failure is something that I deal with, and write about, quite often.

Because of the beauty of Twitter, where you can eavesdrop and join in others conversations, I inserted myself into the discussion. To make sure everyone is up to speed, here are the tweets:

The conversation continued for a bit, but Jordana Brewster came on screen, and I needed to pay attention.

But, my brain was already working.

So many of my friends are involved with startups in some capacity. They seem to sit on one side or another of the failure fence. Those that have had some (or a lot) of success preach about the importance of failure. That somehow failing is almost a badge of honor among those that have succeeded.

For those that have yet to truly succeed, they are almost ok with the concept of failure. Failing, while painful is certainly not distasteful, and will teach valuable lessons for the next, almost guaranteed, success.

But is that true? Is the cycle fail then success then fail then success? We have seen “one trick ponies” that succeed at the first thing they try and then never succeed (or fail) again at equal levels. We have seen people that consistently fail, never quite tasting success. People who hide their overall failures with several minor success.

So, if failure doesnt equal success consistently, then does the type of failure matter or the depth of the failure?

Certainly certainly types of failure can either spurn someone on to great success (say seeing both your parents killed by a common criminal spurs you to become Batman) or a life of consistent failure (I suppose if I had an example, they wouldnt be a huge failure…)

Can people handle professional failure to greater depths than personal failure (there are many cases of very successful business people going through a cycle of great wealth/horrible bankruptcy.)?

The great ones. The folks that truly are able to succeed in  ways that most people cannot have very similar characteristics:

1. They compartmentalize their personal lives from their professional ones. Success in one does not directly effect the sense of success in the other.
2. Small failures are seen as opportunities rather than roadblocks. Large failures are seen as part of the process not the destination.
3. They separate emotion from small successes and failures. Small successes and failures dont exist because of them as people, but because of their actions.
4. Great failures are met with mourning, followed by an intense desire to “make up for the failure.” Great failure is deeply personal and embarrassing.
5. Highly competitive where exact measures of success and failure are determined internally.
6. Complete disregard for other’s measure of success and failure.
7. The ability to get others to help in the success.
8. Complete ownership of all failures.
9. Scientific review of success and failure.
10. Freedom to discuss failure with others. A clear openness about the failures of their past.

People who have succeeded in life are not immune from the devastating effects of failure, they have learned how to turn failure into motivation or education.

People who are successful have learned to do two things: 1) define their own personal success; and 2) come to grips that no failure is final, regardless of how big, or personal it is.

When the Chicago Bulls won 72 games in a single season, and eventually the NBA championship, Phil Jackson, their coach was asked what their formula for success was. Among the things he said, he recounted how for him and his team, winning the third quarter was paramount. “It makes the fourth quarter, easy,” he said.

Successful people are the same way. Its not the failure that defines their success, but rather what the very next thing they do. Its the adjustments they make, and the ferocity that they come back. Successful people are defined by their bounce, not their ball.

Even if they have to do the fourth Fast and the Furious movie…

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I am sitting here watching the video (below) that was produced by his partners at Foundry Group and played right before his Lifetime Achievement Award at a Silicon Flatirons event last night.

Growing up, both my mom and dad taught me many life lessons. Things like “dont ever bury the bodies in your own back yard,” and “when you rob a bank, make sure it doesnt have my money in it.”

Most of these lessons have been helpful in my life, but the most important lesson they taught me was “there are always fuckers that you can learn from.”

I am a lucky person because I have a fair number of fuckers in my life that I learn from daily.

Sometimes its from their actions, sometimes its from their silence. On occasion, the fucker I work for will punch me in the face. On other occasions, the fucker I started Current Wisdom with with remind me how to deal with people appropriately.

I meet new fuckers often. For example, today I had an IM conversation with a young fucker that runs a branding agency in Chicago. We are looking to launch a new ad unit at Lijit, and I wanted some real world reaction. That fucker certainly gave it to me.

Here is a question I get asked now and again: “What constitutes a fucker?”

There are three rules to a fucker:

1. They listen
2. They learn
3. They teach

Thats it.

I will leave you with the words my dad left me with when I left for college: “Dont be a fuck, Micah, no one likes a fuck. But there are fuckers out there that are smarter and more accomplished then you. Learn from them.”

Truly, I appreciate all the fuckers in my life.

(BTW: I have never heard Brad say “Fuck you,” to anyone that has ever asked for some of his time. That is just the type of fucker he is.)

Congrats, Brad.

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Happy Birthday Shondi.

I often recount my experience as ServiceMagic where two things were constant: Value and Failure.

Every day, when you left for home, you asked yourself a simple question: “Did I add value today?” If the answer was anything other than yes, there was a decent likelihood that your job would not exist the next day.

Bring Value Daily.

Every day, we failed. We failed and we failed. But, each failure brought learning and brought us closer to success, and when we succeeded, our successes were exponentially larger.

Fail Intelligently Daily.

Bring Value. Fail Intelligently.

I try to live that ideal consistently. I believe that failing daily does two things, it teaches me what I need to do better; and it reminds me of what failure feels like. Both are awesome outcomes.

Failure is virtuous.

Temperance (Gluttony)

“The downside to this level of ambition is that it’s not complicated to overload yourself. I’ve learned that ambition minus realism often equals failure.”

The truth is that ambition always has a lack of realism. Its impossible to believe you will one day be the best without believing first that you are capable of being the best. You have to be unrealistic in your expectations to truly become successful. Its the lack of realism that creates the potential for failure.

The best failures are measured and tempered with self control. Understand the downside of any potential failure. Keep the failure contained through careful understanding.

Charity (Greed)

“Sacrificing your core business by spending too much time on non-core ideas…It’s important to realize that not all ideas are worth pursuing”

Yet many people eventually fail through anlysis paralysis. I have a standard equation, out of 10 ideas, 8 suck. 1 is decent, and one is fantastic. To understand success through failure, one must be willing to become creative and think uniquely about the problem. By ideating, over time, several solutions are born. Being generous with yourself and allowing the ideation to occur, develops the potential for mass, measured failure.

And, failure always leads to success.

Diligence (Sloth)

“Where it can become mostly problematic is when it keeps you from seeing a project through to the end.”

I get what Jeffrey is saying here. Starting projects is easy. The middle is not that hard, but to finish? Often its a Herculean effort. Why? Because the completion of a project allows you to determine if it was a success or failure. The completion of a project allows OTHERS to say if its a success or failure.

Its often easier to live in the grey area of undone, than it is to live in the world of definition.

With failures its the same way. My favorite saying is “failure is not what you do, but what you do after.”

Persevere. Fail a lot. Fail early. But be amazing once the failures teach you how to succeed.

Chastity (Lust)

“Getting lured away from what you need to do by what you want to do”

Lust is an interesting sin. By definition, Lust involves a lack of thought with a focus on immediate gratification. So how does the virtue, Chasity or Purity work with failure? Failure is pure. There is nothing about failure that can be soiled. Each failure creates the same emotions, usually regret and disappointment, and each failure creates the same reality. Yet, each failure, when learning occurs, also creates the very real case of being one step closer to success.

It is impossible to do nothing but succeed if each failure is coupled with learning. You dont have to lust after success to achieve it.

Humility (Pride)

“Success has this extra-special way of super gluing on the ‘I’m so awesome’ blinders and fooling you into thinking that you’re the smartest person alive.”

The greatest thing about consistent failure, is that it reminds you that you cant solve every problem. That you arent the greatest. That at the end of the day only the outcome matters in the measurement of success, not the process.

Failure teaches us that the real talent is the recovering and learning from failure. Turning that failure (perhaps matching it to a previous failure) into a road map for success is what separates the great from the good.

Allow the emotion of humility to provide you the open-mindedness to review your failures in such a way as to improve incrementally and move towards success.

Patience (Wrath)

“Wrath is energy, and like all energy it can be used to good or evil. I like to think about the ratio of windshield to rear-view mirror and use that idea to focus my energy on what’s next.”

If wrath is energy, then patience is focused energy. Its hard to fail, fail and then fail again. You want to push, you want to accelerate the process. You move into a world of immediate gratification and would rather skip to the success part of the adventure.

Patience is not just a function of waiting, or sitting idly by. Patience is actually a function of perseverance.

If you read Jeffrey’s post, and remove the “Seven Sins” metaphor, every point he makes actually is interwoven. Words like energy, focus, hard work are repeated themes.

Failure becomes a part of the process, removing the need for a perceived failure end point.

Satisfaction/Kindness (Envy)

“Just stay true to your original plans; see them through; and understand that more-often-than-not, these new and exciting concepts are rarely vetted for use beyond their original purpose, thus having the extreme ability to only add layers of complexity to what you already do.”

Envy kills success. Focusing on competitors is a horrible action that causes most companies to lose focus. If you are doing what you need to do, focusing and understanding the market, your competitors dont matter.

Envy creates failure. Simple enough.

But, the key to all of this, is if you understand the importance of failure to the creation of success; you will also experience true satisfaction.

You have succeeded and failed completely.

And, becoming a success at the end of the day is the greatest satisfaction.

——————

By the way, my favorite quote on failure:

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

– Anais Nin

Like most professions people choose, entrepreneurship isnt all play time and money. Startups arent filled with foosball and Mac Pros.

We read about layoffs and think to ourselves “Well, its a startup. They arent making any money. I have no idea why they employed so many people. Whiles its horrible, its probably for the best.”

Or we read about the latest funding and think to ourselves “What? They got $5million dollars? Its just a <insert something here>. They will never make any money.”

What most people dont understand if they havent been in a startup (even those that cover startups really dont get it), is that a startup’s culture always has a few key components (not success components necessarily, just that they exist).

1. A general belief that what the startup is focused on is unique, interesting or better than current offerings in the market place (the old better, faster, cheaper argument).
2. That startups have an end.
3. And at that end, there will be some sort of reward.
4. That working at a startup gives you a greater ability to have a bigger influence on the product, brand, business direction, whatever.
5. That you, the employee, can do whatever is placed in front of you, better than anyone else.

And while its easy to intellectualize the long hours and hard work to get to the end of the rainbow, most people dont understand how the startup lifestyle truly effects them emotionally and mentally.

You can get fired/laid off at any time.

Often decisions are made based on the money in the bank, or the expected out of case position, rather than on the true needs of the organization. Often, there is little determination of the effect less people have on overall workload.

A mistake can be magnified.

Because each person has a large affect on the outcome of the business, mistakes are magnified. Code something wrong? It could push back the next release. Push back the next release, and lose a big deal. Lose a big deal, and miss the numbers you expected. Miss the numbers and the world turns on you. Because most startups run extremely lean, it is imperative that each person is competent. Extremely competent.

All the best work can be for naught.

Do everything right, get the product out the door on time and under budget, make the greatest thing since sliced bread, and watch it wither on the vine. Sometimes, for no reason, a great idea/product just dies. Its a sad reality of the risk/reward game of startups.

All of this leads to high level of expectation and stress.

Which leads to burnout.

Successful entrepreneurs and long-time startup employees understand that burnout is part of the lifestyle they have chosen. Everyone burns out at some point.

So what do you do when you feel a burnout coming?

Most people dont. They work and work and work until they fizzle. Their production decreases and mistakes increase. Soon, they have been let go, and dont understand why.

Here are some early warning signs of burnout:

• You are tired all the time. No matter how much you sleep, you cant seem to “catch up.”
• You complain more than usual. Everyone is a moron. You are the only person that can get the job done.
• You snap at friends and colleagues. Since they cant understand the workload you are under, or how unfair that workload is, you snap. You withdraw.
• You start thinking about quitting. It has to be the company. There is a better job with less stress out there. I just made a bad choice of jobs.
• You take little “breaks.” Today, I am going to nothing that pertains to my job. I know its Tuesday, and we have a release coming up, but I can catch up tomorrow.
• When do you get home, you dont take care of personal business. Dude, I just worked for 12 hours straight. Why should I pay bills?
• You wish you can, or you start, working from home more. There are less distractions (and people). I can work at my pace and I do a better job!

Often the signs of burnout are subtle, and the important thing to realize is that working at a startup is a continual ebb and flow of “completely burned out,” to “almost burned out” and back.

What do you do to make sure you dont completely burn out?

• Pick a project that is just for you. Work it at your pace. Work it in your space. Dont “re-grout the tile” or “pull the storm windows.” Remember your passion. What got you going in the first place. Do that, but do it for you.
• Take some time every day away from the office. I make sure it always take a lunch. 30-60min where the focus is on anything except work. My first boss told me, “The concept of a job is that there is work. When there is no work, there is no job.” 30-60min a day will not put you so far behind that it causes issue.
• Laugh. A lot. There is nothing wrong about finding humor in your day. If its a quick trip to ICanHasCheezburger or a joke with a co-worker, make sure to laugh everyday.
• Learn. A lot. Often, we get so caught up in our jobs, we forget that there is always a lot to learn. It doesnt have to be big. It just has to be something. Ask a co-worker a question. Look something up on Wikipedia. Try some different code.
• Engage. The great thing about startups, is that the team is small enough that you can engage with most anyone. There is no reason to go at it alone. Ask a co-worker to review your work. Get involved in something outside your job. Find a team that you can add value to, and get on it. You can also engage outside the company via a blog, Twitter or some other social media outlet.

How do you deal with burnout?

Anyway.

I hate end of the year posts. They always fall into one of three categories:

1) Top posts of 2008 – (read: Hey look at how many people think I am cool!)

2) Predictions for 2009 – (read: Hey look at how many people think I am cool!)

3) Holiday Wishes – (read: Hey look at how many people think I am cool!)

So given my high level need for loving feedback from my blog, I am going to put all three in one post so that it has triple the goodness, and y’all think I am three times as cool. Right?

Lets start with top posts of 2008:

• Microsoft, Yahoo and Google: A Parable
• Douchebag Quest – I Want to be The #1 Douchebag on Google
• SEO is Dead
• Three Rules For Startup Success
• 5 Lessons Learned From Gordon Ramsay
• About Me(ha!) – People must really wonder who the hell I am…
• When Being Me is About Being You
• I am Boulder, Hear Me Roar
• April 1 Reminds Me I Ain’t No Fool
• Confessions of a Failed CEO

Whew… thats a lot of work!

Ok, now on to my predictions post.

I predict in 2009, I will receive at least 12 paychecks. Given we get paid 2 times a month at Lijit, I think thats a safe bet. (Yes, Todd, I am laughing right along with you.)

And finally, my happy holidays post.

Happy Holidays!

Click Here For Some Holiday Cheer! (I wish I knew how to embed it, but I dont. Damn it all to hell, where are the Shabbat Goyim when you need them?)

If it makes me laugh, its funny to me. If its funny to me, and it doesnt make you laugh, thats even funnier to me.

This makes me laugh. A lot.

That dog – Taylor is her name-o – cracks me up.

And, on Mother’s Day. I like to read all the posts about how wonderful people’s moms are. The quality of the posts never cease to amaze me, but the tone is often the same.

Everyone likes to write about how wonderful their mothers have been, but I havent seen anyone write about how wonderful they have been to they have been to their mothers.

Until now.

I, Micah Gabriel Baldwin, have been extraordinarily wonderful to my mother. How, you might ask, have I been able to do this? Well, lets start at the beginning.

I was born.

My birth was relatively easy, 8 hours in total (not quite as easy Marissa, my sister’s birth, which clocked in at 2 hours, or Natalia, my youngest sisters birth which clocked in at 18 minutes). Most importantly, I was born at 10:08 in the am, which enabled my mother to not miss an episode of her favorite soap opera, All My Children.

I was the man of the house.

From the age of 1.5, when my parents got divorced, until 2 years old, when my mom started dating Rich, my step-father (now adoptive father), I was the man of the house. I supported my mother as she moved from Colorado to California, and made every attempt to help out. I shit less, cried less and ate less. I was quite the man of the house.

I approved her marriage.

At the age of 5, Rich and my mother sat me down at our little wooden dining room table. “Micah,” Rich started, “I would like to marry your mother, and be your father. Are you okay with that?” With a simple wave of my hand, and a slight nod, I said, “Yes.” They have been married for 31 years now.

I stopped asking for money.

After college, I moved to Washington, DC, and soon got a job. The job didnt pay well, but it pretty much began the moment I no longer needed to ask for money. It was a good thing too, because my younger sisters were becoming quite the drain on the wallet, and it was important for me to help out my mom by being less of a deadbeat.

I moved back home.

At the age of 28 or so, after spending some time in Washington, DC and Southern California, I knew my mom was missing me staying at home for long periods of time. I could tell, because two weeks after I left for college, my room was turned into a study, whereas my sisters rooms were left as shrines to them. So, I moved back in while I was starting a new job and new company.

I moved out.

After about eight months, I moved up to Oakland, and realizing that the strain of me being so close, yet so far, was too much for my mom. So, I packed my things and moved to Colorado. Where I live to this day.

I sold my company and got a real job.

Making the ultimate sacrifice for my mother, I sold my company last year and got a real job with benefits. You see, for my mom, benefits are the most important thing, after all one doesnt know when a truck might hit one.

And, most importantly, I call her periodically.

It seems, that my mom loves to hear the sound of my voice. Take today for example. I have called her three times to wish her a Happy Mothers Day, and each time the answering machine comes on. She wants to record my voice! How sweet. So, I left heart warming messages such as:

“Mom, I know you are there, and just not picking up the phone. Why you have to be so mean?”

“Look woman, its Micah! Pick up the damn phone!”

and my favorite (its kinda an inside joke)

“I hope you have a long and painful death. Love, Micah”

You see, today is not just about honoring our mothers and all the wonderful things they’ve done and will do for us, but its about what we have done to help them out.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I know you know I rock.

Bet you cant guess which one Danny Newman is (If you guessed raggedy hipster with the bad hair, you would be correct):

So, over the past year, I plotted ways to get involved. I emailed David Cohen. I went to go work for Lijit. I even moved to Boulder. And for all my work, I got a piddly little mention on the TechStars mentor page.

Still not satisfied, I, along with Danny, decided we would apply to TechStars. We spent the better part of a year building out our idea, and crafting our application. We used fake names to not sway David’s decision, becuase clearly, he hates the Jews. (Or at least dont think Danny and I were serious, but hating the Jews sounds so much better). So, here is the application, in its entirity. Trust me, most of its true.

What’s your name?

Gabriel Vincent (Danny and my middle names)

What’s your email address?

vingab81@gmail.com (an actual email address – try it)

What’s your phone number?

720-273-1008 (an actual phone number)

Where is your team based, geographically?

Boulder, CO (an actual city)

What will the name of your company be?

RolLast (an actual name, seriously. The Web 2.0 Name Generator told me so.)

If you have a web site, what’s the URL?

http://N/A (we are actually not working on it.)

What will your company do or make?

We developed a mobile technology for the creating, sending and sharing of video. In essence, we are an aggregator of mobile video, creating multiple distribution channels through enabling mobile publishers. Because of the distribution channel, we are able to generate multiple views of specific videos quickly creating a viral effect lifting most videos to 2-3x of views.

What’s new, interesting, or different about what your company will do?

Because of the viral nature of our application and distribution network, we are able to drive multiple views quickly. For example, we recently worked with Crispin, Porter & Bosteky to drive mobile usage and views of their No Whopper campaign for Burger King, making it one of the most viewed mobile videos ever.

Have you already taken any outside investment? Please describe if so.

No. Everything we have done to date is organic.

Explain how the company will make money.

We can get corporate and agency clients to pay for the creation and distribution of the mobile videos. With 5-6 clients now, we are nearing profitability. We believe we can take our concept to the mass market, and succeed where others have failed.

Tell us about each founder (include their role, skills, education level, schools, past companies, etc

Gabriel Vincent – CEO, Graduated top 5% from MIT in Computer Science. This is really his first project, beyond smaller efforts in other companies.

Heather Stranske – COO, Graduated from CU with a finance degree. She has worked for several large companies, such as IBM and SUN locally in their finance departments.

Ben Greeson – CTO, Bron in Greeley, graduated from Berkeley. Co-wrote two books on Ruby on Rails, considered one of the top open source developers in Colorado.

If you or any of your team members have built cool stuff on the web, please provide the URLs:

Small project Vince and Ben worked on: http://tinyurl.com/229sh5

Can each of the founders come to Boulder, Colorado for the summer of 2008? If not, please elaborate.

yes.

Why should we choose your company?

We are dedicated to being successful. Our feeling is that with the connections and the focus TechStars provides, it will enable us to take our idea to the next level and truly be something special.

And what does all that work get us?

Status:        Rejected

I guess, David is going to miss out on two wild and crazy guys, but have 10 awesome teams that have been truly vetted and screened. Based on last year’s crop, I am expecting this year to blow them out of the water, and more importantly, for TechStars to have improved equally, providing additional value over last year’s program.

After all, if RolLast didnt make it, then someone is doing their job. Good Luck TechStars 2008 teams!

I recently had the opportunity to get punched in the face at SXSW, and immediately thought of Micah Baldwin and the dorky cartoon that does an amazing job at depicting the cold, dark hearted man that generally writes on this blog.

After asking me to write a guest post for the blog, I reasoned with Micah into changing the name of the blog to “Andrew Hyde is Awesome”  and let me guest post often (since, if you look at the archives the whole thing is generally about me anyway).

So where were we, oh yes, getting punched in the face.  You have to learn to duck.  Deep advise for the sophisticated blogger Micah is, but ducking doesn’t get quite a few things in life (a good photo being one of them).  Bad advise Micah, perhaps you should do something advise wise that doesn’t make all your readers miss brilliant opportunities such as getting punched by someone over a foot shorter than you.  Selfish advise if you ask me.

Here’s me forgetting to duck [ed. had to do it.]

You need a new phase Micah, and I am the man to come up with some bright ideas for your new one:

1. Learn to Wear A Cup
2. Fear is a Great Motivating Factor
3. Love Me or I Will Rip You to Shreds
4. Monetize This
5. Because Hello Kitty is So Meta

So that was about as fun as taking you as trying to buy you a free beer at a SXSW party.  We should do that again Micah.

Andrew Hyde is not as big of a douche bag as Micah is, and heckles from afar from Boulder, Colorado.

So, clearly in jest, but hoping to get someone to listen, Andrew continues to blab on and on about Startup Dodge Mini Van or some shit, and how he and (whatever other name he dropped) decided to start the companyVCWear.

Here is how he explained it: “It a tshirt company with overpriced tshirts that are poorly designed that only VCs would want to wear.”

Seriously.

So, being the worlds most helpful guy, I said “Cool. Now go buy me a cup of coffee.” But in a really friendly way. I didnt even call him a moron to his face.

I also gave him a couple of ideas for tshirts just so he thought I really cared about whatever he was talking about. After dropping another name, and saying something really not worth repeating, except I remember it started with StartupWeekend, the King of Community went on another ManDate, and I headed home.

Later that night, I see a tweet from Andrew. My first reaction was to throw up a little in my mouth.

The stupid motherfucker has put up a website and is trying to sell t-shirts so bad that companies like threadless started selling shoes. People decide to go back to wearing button ups. Out of pure pity, I buy one. Immediately I regret it. But, I know that Andrew doesnt work, that Startup Weekend makes less money than a $2 whore on 1/2 price night.

Then just as one would expect, the idiots follow the idiot, Andrew drops another name, and the stupid ass idea shows up on ValleyWag, Techmeme and Mashable. (I would link to the stories, but this post is already worse than Andrew’s sophomoric designs – I love that he says that he designed them “badly” on “purpose.” I guess he does that all the time. Have you seen his blog? Blind monkeys in Bangledash would do a better job.)

Now, I get invited to add a VCWear Facebook app.

Seriously?

Does this guy have any real work to do? What the hell does he do at Trident all day? Pick a different finger to shove up his ass and try to guess the smell of his previous meal?

The bubble is here if this social media douche bag makes a flipping penny on his crap-tastic site. Go buy a shirt from VCWear. Join Andrew Hyde, Douche Bag, in destroying the last piece of dignity in the world.

I really did just throw up in my mouth a little.

DISCLAIMER: If you think I wrote this seriously, then you win a prize. Yes, you guessed it. The I Am a Bigger Douche Bag Than Andrew Hyde Award.

Laughing, he said that he hadnt, and wondered aloud who would have done such a thing.

“Have you checked your Lijit stats?” I replied. “After all you can see where the searches have come from.”

You can see from the popular searches section that “social media …” is the top search. This search, when clicked on is “social media douchebag.”

There are a couple of searches lower down, that start with “Jim Turner …” that are just as, well, flattering.

So, the question became, who would do such a thing? Has Jim pissed off the wrong person? Is he really a social media douche bag? (A search returns no results on his blog, so at least he doesnt consider himself one.)

This began our Sherlock Holmes-ian effort to determine who would want the number one search result on Jim Turner’s blog to be “social media douche bag.”

The next thing we took a look at was his Lijit search stats.

Its easy to see that most of the last searches are for “social media douchebag,” with many of them coming at the same time. Clearly this was the act of one bandit.

So where did these searches come from? It appears that the majority of them came from Boulder, CO.

Is it true? Could the culprit be someone that Jim knows? Someone in our own backyard?

The plot thickens…

How do find that one person in Boulder, CO?

Well, the best bet we had was to check Jim’s MyBlogLog widget. In the list of folks on his widget, only one was from Boulder.

Was this the villian? Is the person who wanted to see if Jim Turner was a “social media douche bag”? All the circumstantial evidence certainly points in that direction. If it is this person, then its just too bad that Lijit’s stats are just that good.

UPDATE: The person pictured on Jim’s MyBlogLog contacted me and professed his innocence. First, let me say I wasnt accusing him specifically (its circumstantial at best). Its possible that someone without a MyBlogLog login did it, and the person above got caught in the crossfire. Let me also say, that I am certain that while Jim Turner may be a douche bag, he is certainly not a social media douche bag, as there are several other folks that own that title.

One dark and stormy night, a few days before Christmas, all was quiet in the house except for the tap of my keyboard. Instant messages, tweets, and web surfing was going on, whilst in the other room, my two dogs, Billie and Taylor, played together given they were staying home from school.

At first, there was a small squeak and then a large tear. I heard a grumble, and what only could be considered a cheer. I quickly ran to the other room to see what had transpired, and with no dogs in sight, I came across:

The Pink Flamingo had not a chance. I looked for Billie and Taylor, both say next to the door, with an innocent look in their eyes. I could almost swear Billie pointed to one of the cats as she walked away.

I returned to my desk and my typing, slowing becoming engrossed in blog posts. Another scream arose from the bedroom. Followed by the quickly scampering feet (8 in all) of Billie and Taylor exiting the room at a high rate of speed.

A quick peruse of the room uncovered victim #2: Christmas Moose

Poor Christmas Moose, we barely knew you.

Now a bit frightened, I returned to my office. Seeing that the pooches were on a Christmas Wave of Destruction, I decided to quietly go back to work. I continue to pretend that nothing was going on, while squeaks and crunching and other non-Christmas sounds emanated from the front room. Knowing that Billie and Talyor were now in the HamSwords practice spaceit was time to see what they were doing.

When their latest victim, Christmas Monkey, lay in my path, I fell to my knees and wept. Thats right, Micah Gabriel Baldwin, wept.

But not because Pink Flamingo, Christmas Moose and Christmas Monkey were dead, but because they cost me almost $75, and lasted less than 3 hours. Stupid dogs!

The Culprits:

Taylor

Billie

UPDATE: When I took the girls outside to use the restroom, I noticed that there was a full moon…perhaps I have were-pooches?

To my chagrin, I noticed a shiny yellow object attached to my back right tire. First thought: “Wow, they put the Denver boot on the wrong tire.” Usually, its on the left front tire so the driver can see it prior to entering their car.

A bit of background. I get about $300-$500 dollars of parking tickets a year. Its not because I dont pay for parking, it usually is because I misjudge how long I will be somewhere which I am guessing is even worse given I am paying for parking PLUS the ticket. So instead of paying each one as I get it, I just wait until I get a Denver boot, and it streamlines the process. I know it costs more. I didnt say it was a SMART thing to do.

I walked out to my car, grabbed the Denver boot notice off the windshield, and went inside to call the parking people. I go through the automated process, but half way through I get transfered to a person. First thought: Shit. I must have done something else, and they are going to yell at me. I give my credit card YES! Miles for my Denver boot fee! and the person gives me the code 13129#.

Is there a new secret code that I had to provide the Denver boot taker-offer? That’s silly but cool in a secret agent way. No, it turns out that the Denver boot is a Denver Smart Boot, made by a company called PayLock out of Philadelphia. Does that make it the Philly Boot? Denver has begun using them today.

Thats right, today I am the first recipient of the Denver Smart Boot.

Now, not only do you have to pay the boot fee plus parking ticket fees, you have to type in the code in the Denver Smart Boot, and then take it to a drop off location! Yes, not only do I have to pay for getting booted, I have to do Denver’s parking enforcement group’s job of removal and return. Nice work Denver. Very Tom Sawyer of you. If the Denver Smart Boot is not returned within 24 hours, a $25 fee is charged, increasing to $500. $500 for a Denver Smart Boot? Hmmmm….maybe I should just keep it?

I swing by the Denver Municipal Water Building Yeah, I would have thought the Denver Boot would go to the Denver Traffic and Parking people too to drop off the Denver Smart Boot. They had no idea what to do. I found out that they had been told the project would not go live until tomorrow, and that the website had just started working a couple of hours ago. They had to call Philadelphia to make sure that it worked properly, and took down my address because they couldnt print receipts.

In the world of Web 2.0, it seems that even the Denver Smart Boot is undergoing a private beta.