When I decided to sell my company, I began to think about things I could get involved with in the local tech community. After meeting with my friend Danny Newman, he talked about his involvement with TechStars.

Bet you cant guess which one Danny Newman is (If you guessed raggedy hipster with the bad hair, you would be correct):

So, over the past year, I plotted ways to get involved. I emailed David Cohen. I went to go work for Lijit. I even moved to Boulder. And for all my work, I got a piddly little mention on the TechStars mentor page.

Still not satisfied, I, along with Danny, decided we would apply to TechStars. We spent the better part of a year building out our idea, and crafting our application. We used fake names to not sway David’s decision, becuase clearly, he hates the Jews. (Or at least dont think Danny and I were serious, but hating the Jews sounds so much better). So, here is the application, in its entirity. Trust me, most of its true.

What’s your name?

Gabriel Vincent (Danny and my middle names)

What’s your email address?

vingab81@gmail.com (an actual email address - try it)

What’s your phone number?

720-273-1008 (an actual phone number)

Where is your team based, geographically?

Boulder, CO (an actual city)

What will the name of your company be?

RolLast (an actual name, seriously. The Web 2.0 Name Generator told me so.)

If you have a web site, what’s the URL?

http://N/A (we are actually not working on it.)

What will your company do or make?

We developed a mobile technology for the creating, sending and sharing of video. In essence, we are an aggregator of mobile video, creating multiple distribution channels through enabling mobile publishers. Because of the distribution channel, we are able to generate multiple views of specific videos quickly creating a viral effect lifting most videos to 2-3x of views.

What’s new, interesting, or different about what your company will do?

Because of the viral nature of our application and distribution network, we are able to drive multiple views quickly. For example, we recently worked with Crispin, Porter & Bosteky to drive mobile usage and views of their No Whopper campaign for Burger King, making it one of the most viewed mobile videos ever.

Have you already taken any outside investment? Please describe if so.

No. Everything we have done to date is organic.

Explain how the company will make money.

We can get corporate and agency clients to pay for the creation and distribution of the mobile videos. With 5-6 clients now, we are nearing profitability. We believe we can take our concept to the mass market, and succeed where others have failed.

Tell us about each founder (include their role, skills, education level, schools, past companies, etc

Gabriel Vincent - CEO, Graduated top 5% from MIT in Computer Science. This is really his first project, beyond smaller efforts in other companies.

Heather Stranske - COO, Graduated from CU with a finance degree. She has worked for several large companies, such as IBM and SUN locally in their finance departments.

Ben Greeson - CTO, Bron in Greeley, graduated from Berkeley. Co-wrote two books on Ruby on Rails, considered one of the top open source developers in Colorado.

If you or any of your team members have built cool stuff on the web, please provide the URLs:

Small project Vince and Ben worked on: http://tinyurl.com/229sh5

Can each of the founders come to Boulder, Colorado for the summer of 2008? If not, please elaborate.

yes.

Why should we choose your company?

We are dedicated to being successful. Our feeling is that with the connections and the focus TechStars provides, it will enable us to take our idea to the next level and truly be something special.

And what does all that work get us?

Status:        Rejected

I guess, David is going to miss out on two wild and crazy guys, but have 10 awesome teams that have been truly vetted and screened. Based on last year’s crop, I am expecting this year to blow them out of the water, and more importantly, for TechStars to have improved equally, providing additional value over last year’s program.

After all, if RolLast didnt make it, then someone is doing their job. Good Luck TechStars 2008 teams!

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I asked Andrew Hyde to guest write on this blog as an act of punishment for his panel at SXSW.  He agreed as long I printed his article and not my new tattoo.

I recently had the opportunity to get punched in the face at SXSW, and immediately thought of Micah Baldwin and the dorky cartoon that does an amazing job at depicting the cold, dark hearted man that generally writes on this blog.

After asking me to write a guest post for the blog, I reasoned with Micah into changing the name of the blog to “Andrew Hyde is Awesome”  and let me guest post often (since, if you look at the archives the whole thing is generally about me anyway).

So where were we, oh yes, getting punched in the face.  You have to learn to duck.  Deep advise for the sophisticated blogger Micah is, but ducking doesn’t get quite a few things in life (a good photo being one of them).  Bad advise Micah, perhaps you should do something advise wise that doesn’t make all your readers miss brilliant opportunities such as getting punched by someone over a foot shorter than you.  Selfish advise if you ask me.

Here’s me forgetting to duck [ed. had to do it.]

You need a new phase Micah, and I am the man to come up with some bright ideas for your new one:

1. Learn to Wear A Cup
2. Fear is a Great Motivating Factor
3. Love Me or I Will Rip You to Shreds
4. Monetize This
5. Because Hello Kitty is So Meta

So that was about as fun as taking you as trying to buy you a free beer at a SXSW party.  We should do that again Micah.

Andrew Hyde is not as big of a douche bag as Micah is, and heckles from afar from Boulder, Colorado.

So late last week (or maybe early this one, I kinda dont really keep track when its Andrew Hyde. After all he is so bland, that its difficult to remember specific conversations) Andrew told me about his “awesome new idea.” How he and (whatever name he decided to drop) were doing StartupWeekend Kalamazoo and they were getting pitched ideas. After all, we all know that Andrew is really a top notch “entrepremanure” (empasis on the manure) and knows all about venture capital and raising money and whatever.

So, clearly in jest, but hoping to get someone to listen, Andrew continues to blab on and on about Startup Dodge Mini Van or some shit, and how he and (whatever other name he dropped) decided to start the companyVCWear.

Here is how he explained it: “It a tshirt company with overpriced tshirts that are poorly designed that only VCs would want to wear.”

Seriously.

So, being the worlds most helpful guy, I said “Cool. Now go buy me a cup of coffee.” But in a really friendly way. I didnt even call him a moron to his face.

I also gave him a couple of ideas for tshirts just so he thought I really cared about whatever he was talking about. After dropping another name, and saying something really not worth repeating, except I remember it started with StartupWeekend, the King of Community went on another ManDate, and I headed home.

Later that night, I see a tweet from Andrew. My first reaction was to throw up a little in my mouth.

The stupid motherfucker has put up a website and is trying to sell t-shirts so bad that companies like threadless started selling shoes. People decide to go back to wearing button ups. Out of pure pity, I buy one. Immediately I regret it. But, I know that Andrew doesnt work, that Startup Weekend makes less money than a $2 whore on 1/2 price night.

Then just as one would expect, the idiots follow the idiot, Andrew drops another name, and the stupid ass idea shows up on ValleyWag, Techmeme and Mashable. (I would link to the stories, but this post is already worse than Andrew’s sophomoric designs - I love that he says that he designed them “badly” on “purpose.” I guess he does that all the time. Have you seen his blog? Blind monkeys in Bangledash would do a better job.)

Now, I get invited to add a VCWear Facebook app.

Seriously?

Does this guy have any real work to do? What the hell does he do at Trident all day? Pick a different finger to shove up his ass and try to guess the smell of his previous meal?

The bubble is here if this social media douche bag makes a flipping penny on his crap-tastic site. Go buy a shirt from VCWear. Join Andrew Hyde, Douche Bag, in destroying the last piece of dignity in the world.

I really did just throw up in my mouth a little.

DISCLAIMER: If you think I wrote this seriously, then you win a prize. Yes, you guessed it. The I Am a Bigger Douche Bag Than Andrew Hyde Award.