This afternoon, I am sitting with a good friend of mine, Jim Turner, at The Cup in Boulder, CO. We were talking about Lijit as we often do, and I asked him if he saw that the top search on his blog was “social media douchebag.”

Laughing, he said that he hadnt, and wondered aloud who would have done such a thing.

“Have you checked your Lijit stats?” I replied. “After all you can see where the searches have come from.”

You can see from the popular searches section that “social media …” is the top search. This search, when clicked on is “social media douchebag.”

There are a couple of searches lower down, that start with “Jim Turner …” that are just as, well, flattering.

So, the question became, who would do such a thing? Has Jim pissed off the wrong person? Is he really a social media douche bag? (A search returns no results on his blog, so at least he doesnt consider himself one.)

This began our Sherlock Holmes-ian effort to determine who would want the number one search result on Jim Turner’s blog to be “social media douche bag.”

The next thing we took a look at was his Lijit search stats.

Its easy to see that most of the last searches are for “social media douchebag,” with many of them coming at the same time. Clearly this was the act of one bandit.

So where did these searches come from? It appears that the majority of them came from Boulder, CO.

Is it true? Could the culprit be someone that Jim knows? Someone in our own backyard?

The plot thickens…

How do find that one person in Boulder, CO?

Well, the best bet we had was to check Jim’s MyBlogLog widget. In the list of folks on his widget, only one was from Boulder.

Was this the villian? Is the person who wanted to see if Jim Turner was a “social media douche bag”? All the circumstantial evidence certainly points in that direction. If it is this person, then its just too bad that Lijit’s stats are just that good.

UPDATE: The person pictured on Jim’s MyBlogLog contacted me and professed his innocence. First, let me say I wasnt accusing him specifically (its circumstantial at best). Its possible that someone without a MyBlogLog login did it, and the person above got caught in the crossfire. Let me also say, that I am certain that while Jim Turner may be a douche bag, he is certainly not a social media douche bag, as there are several other folks that own that title.

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Snoopy used to always start his stories with the line “One dark and stormy night…” and so in homage:

One dark and stormy night, a few days before Christmas, all was quiet in the house except for the tap of my keyboard. Instant messages, tweets, and web surfing was going on, whilst in the other room, my two dogs, Billie and Taylor, played together given they were staying home from school.

At first, there was a small squeak and then a large tear. I heard a grumble, and what only could be considered a cheer. I quickly ran to the other room to see what had transpired, and with no dogs in sight, I came across:

The Pink Flamingo had not a chance. I looked for Billie and Taylor, both say next to the door, with an innocent look in their eyes. I could almost swear Billie pointed to one of the cats as she walked away.

I returned to my desk and my typing, slowing becoming engrossed in blog posts. Another scream arose from the bedroom. Followed by the quickly scampering feet (8 in all) of Billie and Taylor exiting the room at a high rate of speed.

A quick peruse of the room uncovered victim #2: Christmas Moose

Poor Christmas Moose, we barely knew you.

Now a bit frightened, I returned to my office. Seeing that the pooches were on a Christmas Wave of Destruction, I decided to quietly go back to work. I continue to pretend that nothing was going on, while squeaks and crunching and other non-Christmas sounds emanated from the front room. Knowing that Billie and Talyor were now in the HamSwords practice spaceit was time to see what they were doing.

When their latest victim, Christmas Monkey, lay in my path, I fell to my knees and wept. Thats right, Micah Gabriel Baldwin, wept.

But not because Pink Flamingo, Christmas Moose and Christmas Monkey were dead, but because they cost me almost $75, and lasted less than 3 hours. Stupid dogs!

The Culprits:

Taylor

Billie

UPDATE: When I took the girls outside to use the restroom, I noticed that there was a full moon…perhaps I have were-pooches?

This morning after dropping my dogs off at doggie day care I parked on the right side of the street, not realizing it was street sweeping day. I went inside, did some work on the computer, listened to some music, and about an hour or so later, grabbed my keys and headed out the door.

To my chagrin, I noticed a shiny yellow object attached to my back right tire. First thought: “Wow, they put the Denver boot on the wrong tire.” Usually, its on the left front tire so the driver can see it prior to entering their car.

A bit of background. I get about $300-$500 dollars of parking tickets a year. Its not because I dont pay for parking, it usually is because I misjudge how long I will be somewhere which I am guessing is even worse given I am paying for parking PLUS the ticket. So instead of paying each one as I get it, I just wait until I get a Denver boot, and it streamlines the process. I know it costs more. I didnt say it was a SMART thing to do.

I walked out to my car, grabbed the Denver boot notice off the windshield, and went inside to call the parking people. I go through the automated process, but half way through I get transfered to a person. First thought: Shit. I must have done something else, and they are going to yell at me. I give my credit card YES! Miles for my Denver boot fee! and the person gives me the code 13129#.

Is there a new secret code that I had to provide the Denver boot taker-offer? That’s silly but cool in a secret agent way. No, it turns out that the Denver boot is a Denver Smart Boot, made by a company called PayLock out of Philadelphia. Does that make it the Philly Boot? Denver has begun using them today.

Thats right, today I am the first recipient of the Denver Smart Boot.

Now, not only do you have to pay the boot fee plus parking ticket fees, you have to type in the code in the Denver Smart Boot, and then take it to a drop off location! Yes, not only do I have to pay for getting booted, I have to do Denver’s parking enforcement group’s job of removal and return. Nice work Denver. Very Tom Sawyer of you. If the Denver Smart Boot is not returned within 24 hours, a $25 fee is charged, increasing to $500. $500 for a Denver Smart Boot? Hmmmm….maybe I should just keep it?

I swing by the Denver Municipal Water Building Yeah, I would have thought the Denver Boot would go to the Denver Traffic and Parking people too to drop off the Denver Smart Boot. They had no idea what to do. I found out that they had been told the project would not go live until tomorrow, and that the website had just started working a couple of hours ago. They had to call Philadelphia to make sure that it worked properly, and took down my address because they couldnt print receipts.

In the world of Web 2.0, it seems that even the Denver Smart Boot is undergoing a private beta.