Seriously, how can one think that hoy yoga promotes violence? I have never been so tired as after that session. The only violence hot yoga promotes is the violent guzzling of water…

This am I wrote my post Why Hot Yoga Made Me Laugh As Much As Farting Does and took off for the gym. Surprisingly, I was still thinking about the Hot Yoga experience. Yesterday, my friend Gwen Bell, wrote about the hurt she feels when people refer to her as “skinny,” and it made me think how different physically she and I were.

I?m going to disclose my stats to you today. I?m five foot eleven, more than six feet in heels. I?m still working on my slouching issue, by consciously lifting up through my spine throughout the day. I despised my height in high school, got the occasional ?are you anorexic?? and soared above my peers in the height category.

I weigh between 130-135 pounds and have fluctuated very little during my life to date. I eat when I?m hungry. That?s usually five or six times a day. I tend to eat small meals and take only as much food as I need. I eat calmly, with awareness and gratitude for my food. I say my version of grace (in Japanese, but that?s another post) before each meal I consume. When I?m full, I stop eating. Very rarely do I go back for seconds.

And then my stats:

I stand about 5′8″ on a good day. I was 5′4″ as a sophomore in high school, and grew slowly over the next couple of years. As a sophomore I weighed in at 184, which sucked as a wrestler (why I ever did that, please dont ask), since I was too heavy for the 178 weight class and too light for 191 lbs. Once I tore my shoulder apart while wrestling, I joined the swim team. I ballooned to a high of 214 pounds and 5′8″. As a senior I lost 35 pounds, and was at a low of 178 pounds.

Now, 17 years later, I am still 5′8″ and I weigh about 280 lbs. I was at a high of 331 pounds less than a year ago. I used to eat a ton several times a day. I always seemed to be hungry, and hungry for the worst food. Now, I eat better, and I am on the right path for health.

So, when you look at Gwen’s stats versus mine, we are physically as opposite as two people could be. Then take a look at her yoga photostream (seriously, HOLY JESUS) and one can easily see her attraction and proficiency with yoga. She has a grace, calmness, litheness and fluidity of motion that I saw last night in the yoga instructor. I spent most of the class thinking about how my life is about deliberate motion, intensity, energy (giving and taking), emphatic actions, outcome versus process, and violence. Not violence in the sense of hurting, death and destruction, but violence in the intensity, ferocity and the utilization of willpower as a means of achieving ends.

This is one of the reasons I cant play golf. Golf is a game of reduction and focus of energy (soft hands, smooth swing), which I have a hard time with. Lacrosse on the other hand is all about quick thinking, violent action and a constant state of intensity.

So outside of the physical demands of hot yoga, I find the need to be calm, singularly focused, smooth, relaxed, deliberate to be the most difficult part of it. Its just not me, but part of the effort I have put forth in the last 1-2 years: getting healthy, improving my business situation, exploring how I interact with people, either bringing them in or driving them away, is all about not being Micah. Finding the pieces of Micah I like and positively influence the people around me is the end point of my journey.

I am finding that for me hot yoga promotes violence. But against the defenses I have built over the past 35 years, and against the inertia of change. Beyond the sweating, the complete opposite way of thinking is damn hard. Process is damn hard.

But if the minimal success I have had to date is indication of what the end brings, I can calmly, in a relaxed state, accept the present in anticipation of the future.