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Brain Defect Day 13,450

by Micah on July 6th

Preface: I wrote this a few days ago, when my brain was definitely was in a “depressed” state. What that means that the chemicals in each cell were not firing at a much slower or erratic rate than normal. (The opposite is an “active” state, which is when the chemicals in each cell are over firing. Interestingly, it is very similar to epilepsy, where the electrical impulses are firing at an erratic rate (which causes seizures).

I wrote it, and then saved it as a draft, because it was very raw, and I wasnt sure if it would be read as what it is, my thoughts and feelings at a moment in time. As a reference point, I dont feel like that today. I feel pretty normal actually.

But, one of my tenets is being open and honest about this birth defect that I am trying to determine the correct course of medication and behavior to control. So, right or wrong, I think its better to put it out there than to not.

Read at your own risk. Its not a very pretty piece, and frankly, something I probably would have rather just deleted. I hope it helps people understand me, and perhaps if they see themselves in it, they can begin to understand why these feelings exist.

And, I almost want to close the comments, but I wont. Please understand that unlike anything else I have written, there is no humor here. If you want to comment, be honest in your comment. Dont worry about my feelings, but do be respectful of your words.

—–

I have spent my entire life with the inability to properly regulate chemicals at the cellular level in my brain. For my entire life, this defect within my brain cells has fueled days of great energy and motivation. Days of great accomplishment and success. And days of great sadness and loneliness. Days of self destruction and introspection.

This brain defect, this physical limitation within the very cells of the organ that drives thought and emotion (along with the basic functions of life), has created a most interesting life for me. I would have had it any other way.

But now I am tired.

Tired of waking up in a funk so deep that the thought of moving seems to be outside the spectrum of reality. Tired of bouncing off the walls thinking a hundred different thoughts at the same time, not even being able to breath because I have so much to say, to do, to ponder.

I dont want this any more. I just want the consistency of a normal life. I dont want to feel that I have to continually protect the people around me from me. I dont want to feel that if I dont keep everything in complete control, that I will end up hurting the very people that I love.

I am just tired.

I am tired of waking up and laying in bed waiting to see what direction my brain is taking today. Does Taylor’s whine make me smile or does it build anger? Does Calin’s meowing make me cringe or excited?

Every day it seems to be different. I can be just fine for weeks, then have a couple of days of wonkiness.

If I dont know what the day is going to bring me, how can anyone else?

So, I protect the world from me. I keep myself inside and protected. I stand alone and strong.

And it makes me tired.

So I see doctors. Currently I see 3. Each is hopeful that things will change. I take medication. It seems to be working, I guess, but the edges of mental states are more acute and sharp now. They happen less, but when they do, its like 3x of what it was, which just kinda sucks.

And I am scared.

What if I am doomed to live this life of inconsistency? What if no matter how hard I try, I will be alone, because no one wants to have to deal with a lack of reliability. What if I am unlovable, because I am not reliable or consistent.

And I am angry.

I am angry at my father for being a drug addict, and probably being bipolar himself. I am angry that I can just fix this, like I fix so many other things.

Which just makes me sad.

I know that I will come out on the other side of this one day. But I wonder what the trail of destruction I leave behind as I “work it out,” will look like, and will that other side look like this, but just with a consistency that I have never achieved? I have begun to learn how to accept hope, and that has been wonderful.

And, so now, I am hopeful.

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