Today is day two on Adderall. Yesterday was really interesting, and I received a lot of support on Twitter and through email. Many folks related their own experiences and made some good suggestions for me.

A little background on my current situation:

I started working at Lijit in December of last year, and the way the insurance works, I needed to submit paperwork by January 14, 2008 to start receiving insurance February 1. Of course, I didnt do it. So now, my insurance doesnt start until March. My fault, so its just what it is.

I have tried different medications in the past: Strattera, Zyprexa, Ritalin, Depakote, and a few others that I dont remember right now. I always said they didnt work or I didnt like the effect, but the truth was that during those trials, I was also heavily self-medicating. So, the tests were invalid and skewed.

In addition, I am bipolar. Not psychotic bipolar that everyone immediately thinks about, but bipolar in the sense that everything for me is extremes. Extreme mania. Extreme depression. Extreme eating. Extreme dieting (although not for a long time…). Just extremes.

(on a side note: I was born on September 25, which makes me a Libra. I once read that Libras can be viewed by two different people AS two very different people. So I am cosmically bipolar as well.)

The medications that I have on hand are from that time in various dosages. Meaning, I havent specifically been to a doctor this time because of the insurance issue, and as such am just retrying some of the trials I did before.

Now that we have that cleared up, how did today go?

Similar to yesterday, but it seems that the time issue (everything moves so slowly) continues. It seemed to take an hour to walk down the hallway from the elevator to my office. I find myself thinking before speaking (before you say that is a good thing; let me say fuck you.) rather than flowing verbally as I usually do.

Of everything, that is my biggest concern. My words are the one thing I can always rely on to be there. I am never at a loss for words, ideas or opinions. The words I select are usually perfect for what I am trying to convey, and if I want to lay claim to doing some well, speaking is certainly it for me. It must be why I do so much of it.

This pause between thought and speech is frustrating. For that alone, I may stop taking the adderall.

I can deal with the “bullet time” effect, because intellectually, I know its just my perception. Time is still moving at the same pace it always was.

The final strange feeling is that I feel like I blink less and my head weights more. Seriously.

My production has been much stronger the last two days. I focused on singular problems and worked through them. I got a bunch of the little things I needed to do: hiring a maid, poop scooping service, getting a window dressing, etc.

My appetite is also reduced (not gone), which is also not necessarily a bad thing.

Its 6:30pm, I took my pill at 8:30am, so I have been on it for 10 hours. I have about 4-5 more hours before it begins to wear off.

Will I continue this trial? I am not sure. I am currently taking 20mg, and I know I have a bottle of 15mg around. I might try one of the other medications. My plan next week is to find a psychiatrist in Boulder to start seeing to monitor and suggest a drug therapy and support the work I am doing with my regular therapist.

(another side note: I have learned through the last two years, that it is impossible for someone to improve themselves be working on only the physical or mental. Its important to always work on both, whether its by yourself, with a significant other/friend or a professional. I see a physical therapist and massage therapist–who is the best I have ever been to–for my body. I also exercise at a gym. For the mental, I see a therapist and, soon, a psychiatrist. I also blog.)

The hardest punches one will ever face are when your body or your mind fail you. Learning to duck means that sometimes, you have to admit defeat and get help from others. In this matter, I am still learning to duck.

Finally, to clarify a point from my last post. I am attempting to tear down all the processes I have built over the years to protect myself against my ADD and bipolar disease and the affect those two disorders have on my personal and professional life. I am expecting to fail a lot. But, when this process is moving (not sure it will ever end), I think I will be a better person. (Although no less of a dick, Andrew Hyde.)

As I do this, I ask a favor of all my friends. Give me feedback. Do it via email (micah at currentwisdom dot com), twitter, this blog, phone or in person. Be nice. Be mean. Just be real and truthful.

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