I Am Gay
I am Gay.
I went to go see the movie Milk today. I was seven when Harvey Milk and George Moscone were shot and killed by Dan White, who was crazy on Twinkies.
Its amazing how powerful those three words are, even today. I am Gay.
Parents would disown their own children; friends would walk away. I am Gay.
In some cases entire lives would be wrecked. Destroyed.
I am Gay.
Think about what you thought when you saw the title of this post. How would it change how you think of me, if I were gay? Would it change it at all? Really?
I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. I remember Harvey Milk.
I remember the shock and sadness when he was killed. The outrage. The disappointment.
The fact that people can look at another person and like/dislike them on anything else than the content of their character blows me away. It truly makes me sad.
People, on general principle, are not good to each other. People, on general principle, spend most of their energies protecting themselves. It truly makes me angry.
Watching Milk, I openly wept. It was only the second time I have ever done that in a movie. The other time was Schindler’s List. Not because of horrific actions of the Nazis, but because of the hatred, fear and sadness it bred. To understand some of the fear that my grandparents live with (even today), was almost too much to bare.
I will never forget walking out of the theater at Union Station in Washington DC after watching Schindler’s List and overhearing two people talking. “It wasnt that bad. I dont know why it was such a big deal.”
People dont look at other people as additive. Unless, the other person has something to offer. We have become a people that values value above all else.
Growing up in the Bay Area, the environment I grew up in, a strange world of acceptance and difference, certainly had a large affect on me.
Harvey Milk, famously, used to start many of his speeches with “Hi! My name is Harvey, and I am here to recruit you!”
Northern California has always been a mix of peoples. I dont think its strange that San Francisco became the nucleus of the Gay Movement. Its not that wild that the first openly gay politician came from San Francisco.
Harvey’s proclamation that he, a gay man, wanted to recruit those that were in attendance at his speeches, carried a double meaning. The greatest fear of conservative straight men and women was that gay people, given their lack of ability to reproduce, would recruit “straights” to become “gay.” I remember growing up hearing this from friends, and more importantly from friends parents, and luckily, not from my parents.
The Gay Movement was centered on the concept of acceptance. Accept us. We are no different. Educate the world, and they will learn that gay people are equal to everyone else.
From Harvey Milk and the Gay Movement, I learned that everyone was acceptable.
There was another movement in the Bay Area in the late 70s and early 80s, the Black Panther Party.
Started by two college students in Oakland, the Black Panther Party for Self-Defense took the non-violent, civil disobedience stance of Martin Luther King, and tossed it out for Ethnic Pride. The Black Panthers Party stood for self-actualization, for doing for one’s self, for racial pride, and in many ways, separation.
Like the Gay Movement, The Black Panthers had a big effect on me. They started breakfast programs and many other social programs around the San Francisco Bay Area. They stood proudly for what they believed and regardless of the opposition, believed in their ability to make change.
But unlike the Gay Movement, the Black Panther Party really was a movement for difference. For acceptable of difference, but not of integration. It was a message that made me spend a lot of time thinking about what it meant to be Jewish. Should I hide who I am, and push for integration? Should I stand separate but equal, knowing it would bring dissonance to most relationships I would ever have?
Watching Milk made me think of the social activism of the Bay Area. It seemed growing up that everyone was passionate about something. Passionate about real change. Changing the way people treated each other; the way people saw one another; the way people loved each other. It seemed to permeate the television (Free To Be… You and Me with Rosie Greer–a NFL player–singing “Its Alright to Cry”) our schools, everywhere. Being respectful and loving was the norm in many ways (remember this is the eyes of a kid).
Even now, 20 years later, it seems causes are celebrated, but miss their mark. How does the passion around the environment, with hybrid cars, the Green Movement, etc make us better to each other?
There are two questions that I will often ask friends, and it always amazes me that they are surprised that I really want answers. The questions:
1) How Are You?
2) What Can I Do To Help?
How can we be good to each other without meaning those questions?
Growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area has made me who I am (good and bad). I have always been proud of my family and my roots, and how the environment has shaped me. I will also admit that my greatest personal failure is that I dont help more people. That I dont participate in something larger than me that can really make change. I justify it by saying I am helping in a one-to-one way, but is that really what I should be doing? Shouldnt I be doing more?
And, for all of their failures, Harvey Milk and Huey P. Newton taught me that its all about the people. That its all about accepting each other, supporting each other, learning from each other, and elevating each other. And, if that sounds hippie-ish, pollyanna-ish, or whatever, then thats me. I hope you can accept it.
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Wow. Great post. Powerful and honest.
Thanks for writing this. It moved me. We need more people thinking and feeling this way…
Awesome comment. Thanks for posting the link to Twitter.
I think a lot of people think of me as a misanthrope, and I completely understand why. I present myself that way. The truth, though, is not so simple. I love people. I really do. I have compassion. I want people to be happy, and I don't like to see anyone hurt anyone else. I don't hate people at all – I hate the way people treat other people, and so I spend a lot of time being angry with everyone for how they treat each other (and me), and it comes across as misanthropy. I rail against people in the DC area, and especially in Northern Virginia, not because I hate them but because I hate how rude and mean they are to each other, and to me, and to everyone else. It's my compassion that breeds my anti-social nature.
Weird, huh?
(BTW, thanks for giving me a place to say that)
This is a beautiful post, Micah.
Micah, I commend you on a thoughtful and insightful post. It is truly a shame that in this 21st century United States it's still considered courageous to stand up and be counted as a gay person. I'm a child of the 50s and grew to awareness in the 60s. We had such hope for the transformation of society, equal rights for Blacks, women and gays seemed achievable if we just pushed and prodded and protested loudly enough. Two out of three ain't bad, but it ain't all that good, either. We've come a ways as a society but we have so far to go.
Bill, I can understand your situation easily, it's mine as well. I'm not comfortable around those who hold others in contempt. I'm a humanist, I love humanity in the abstract. But I often find it hard to love individuals. It's far easier to keep my distance from those who promote hate and divisiveness, the racist and religious bigots. But my savior has been the internet. I've been able to speak out about and defend my point of view as a gay atheist (and left-hander to boot) like I couldn't in the real world. I can be rational and logical on one blog and wildly offensive and confrontational on another. I have been able to reach those well beyond the sound of my voice. I would encourage you, if you don't already, to consider blogging as a means for expressing your thoughts in a constructive manner.
There's a lot of re-education yet to be done before people will drop their traditional bias and prejudice and see us for what we are, other human beings.
Bill, I think in many ways, we are very similar (which is why we are friends). I constantly question the motives of people around me. Are they really trying to make a difference because its fundamentally the right thing, or is it because its the cool thing?
I have spent the better part of my life being sad about how people interact on a basic level. People have become very self focused, and it has made me a bit of a curmudgeon. But, there seems to be a shift. The more time I spend with “the next generation” (generations are defined by 10 year increments), the more impressed I am with the desire to make positive change on the world, not just in their own lives. They inspire me to be more like them, and I am trying.
You are a good man, Bill. All the bluff doesnt hide that.
Why do you find it so hard to love individuals? Look, I know this will sound completely out of character for me (trust me), but I believe in people. I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them. I find people wonderful. It is often their actions that are disappointing.
I think it has bred this condescending style in me, where I take on almost a parental tone with people. How arrogant is that? That I know it all, and have to teach everyone else?
If I had any wish for people, it would be that three things would occur immediately upon meeting:
1) trust is assumed;
2) learning is welcomed;
3) value is inherent.
Doesnt seem so hard, does it?
I am in my mid-50s and finding the instances of intolerance and hatred hard to deal with in the real world. I don't mean to imply I don't love individuals. I do mean to say that as individuals humanity is harder to love than in the abstract. I moderate a debate forum where gay issues are frequently brought up. The level of discourse is often hard to believe. So I find it harder to like and love individuals, but not impossible. When young I was a romantic. Now I've aged into a cynic and skeptic. But I don't want to discourage the young and passionate from fighting the good fight.
There are days when I remember how much you're doing to make the world a more amazing place. And I know you won't cop to that, so whatever. But even when we had dinner together a few months back at that Italian place, I just remembered thinking, over and over that people are missing out when they don't pay attention to your perspective. I'm a fan, Micah.
Living in the gay capital of Europe, I guess this was quite a pertinent post for me. Thanks.
Talk about a heck of a first post for me to read!
Though I find that I'm a bit more jaded when it comes to trust [I feel it is earned] I think that you articulated a lot of things that I have thought and felt for a very long time.
Growing up in the South, which isn't known for its tolerance or acceptance, I have seen several friends lose their families' support and love just for the simple fact that they are gay.
I truly wish that more people had your outlook on life.
This is a powerful commentary. I was a young mother living in East Bay when this shooting occurred. I clearly remember that I was driving to The City when the news came on the radio. I turned around and went home. I wish we could figure out a way to embrace and maybe even celebrate our differences without dissonance.
i've just discovered you and your blog, you rock
I first learned of this story in the early 80's thanks to the great Dead Kennedys song “I fought the law (and I won)”. The punk zine that came with the album explained the story and since the song was great (it's a punk re-hash of the classic I fought the Law song) the story behind it has stayed in my consciousness ever since, and has always been a major factor in helping me stand up against prejudice even if I am not directly affected by the hate.
Micah, thank you for this post. I share so many of your (and your commenters') feelings, growing up gay and remembering the shock of Harvey Milk's assassination. I was 21 when it happened, and flush with the freedom of being able to be openly gay in a liberal college town. I'm afraid that shock sent me back in the closet in many ways. Your post is strong, meaningful and courageous. I'm striving to be more like that, and reading it helped. Thank you for sharing yourself in such a personal way.
Thanks Chris. It always nice to have a friendship that is steeped in mutual learning. Of course with you, Im the one that makes out in the being educated department… :)
One of the things we agree on is that we could always do more. Its one of the reasons you are so prolific and accessible. I deal with a 1/10 of the noise you do, and I find it overwhelming.
I think in many ways, the relationships I enjoy the most are the ones that challenge me to think, learn and do more.
Good on you for posting this. For me, it is all about how we treat each other and our humanity. At night when my head hits the pillow I ask, “Did I do the best I could to serve my fellow human being today.” Usually the answer is no, but I ask the question. The point is that that the question keeps me conscious of the people in my community.
Hi jeber -
Thanks for responding to my comment. I do have a blog, but I don't think you'd call what I typically write there a constructive expression of my thoughts.
What I often see in people around me is not racism, or sexism, or discrimination based on sexual preference (each of which are bad enough themselves), but contempt for fellow people as a whole. People in these parts act as if they have disdain for humans in general – even their peers.
You mentioned that you're left-handed, gay, and an atheist. I'm ambidextrous, straight, and I believe in God. Yet I can't help but think you and I could probably get along just fine without even trying. I don't understand why it is so many people can't treat people like . . . well, like people.
You hit upon a key point that cannot be underplayed. There is a difference between what a person DID (i.e., said or wrote or behaved) and what they ARE. This makes the conversation, or the confrontation, easier. Hate the sin, not the sinner (to borrow a phrase.)
Jay Smooth explains it in this video regarding race:
http://current.com/items/89362067/to_catch_a_ra...
You hit upon a key point that cannot be underplayed. There is a difference between what a person DID (i.e., said or wrote or behaved) and what they ARE. This makes the conversation, or the confrontation, easier. Hate the sin, not the sinner (to borrow a phrase.)
Jay Smooth explains it in this video regarding race:
http://current.com/items/89362067/to_catch_a_ra...