When I was in my teens and early twenties, I taught swim lessons. My students ranged from 6 months old to 60 years old. It was something I truly enjoyed, and based on what other people said, I was pretty good.

There was one thing about swim lessons that I absolutely abhorred. It wasnt getting in the water, although when it was freezing outside, or we had been in the water for hours on end, it wasnt pleasant. It wasnt the crying kids, or the annoying parents, even though we had our fair share of those.

It was the god damn song, Wheels on the Bus. (This video is pretty funny tho’):

I sang that song every summer for 8 years. It was a good song. It helped the younger kids learn important aspects of swimming  (like blowing bubbles, holding your breath and being comfortable in the water), but for me it became a scourge.

So when my doctor told me I was a “rapid cycler,” the first thing that came to my mind was that damn song.

“The moods in my head go ’round and ’round / ’round and ’round / ’round and ’round”

What does it mean that I am a rapid cycler?

Well, with bipolar I (which I dont have, but it is the more classic version of bipolar), people enter moods for weeks or months. They will be manic or depressed for significant periods of time.

One of the more famous bipolar sufferers was Vincent Van Gogh (which strangely enough has been my favorite artist for along time):

“In December 1888, Van Gogh experienced a psychotic episode in which he threatened the life of Gauguin, a personal friend and fellow artist. This episode also brought about the notorious incident in which Van Gogh cut off a piece of his own left ear offering it as a gift to a prostitute. Subsequently, he consigned himself to a mental asylum for more than a year, but left in frustration because his condition was not improving.” – About.com

His painting, Starry Night, was painted while in that asylum. It was the view from the window of his cell, and it is a perfect representation of the night sky at that exact moment. It is a moment of sanity in Vincent’s otherwise insane world.

Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh (c.1889)

Now, I dont have those extended periods of mood. I am not manic for months or depressed for weeks. For me, the shifts happen in days, sometimes in hours. I can be depressed in the am, and manic in the evening, and then settle back to normal for a week or two.

Now, that I am aware of my disability, I am becoming more aware of my cycles, which are apparently different for most people.

For me, I usually start off with the depressed state. This state includes feelings of paranoia, lethargy, high irritability. I really dont want to be around people. I really dont want to do anything. Communication is difficult, even over email or SMS. Every word I hear or read is analyzed for meaning, often when no meaning exists. I become hyper-focused on a few tasks–which might be seeing, or talking to, a certain person, or buying something specific (it becomes almost an obsession), or completely avoiding everyone, which often leads to confusion among my friends. Important tasks are left undone, especially those in my personal life, like cleaning my house, doing laundry, paying bills, etc. I tend to be a bit “emo,” writing (as my friend Shana says) “intense” blog posts, maybe even a poem *gasp* or two.

Being in a depressed state pisses me off so badly. This is when all the worst feelings occur (some really bad), and my biggest fear is that I wont break out of the state. It used to be much, much worse, but slowly it seems to be getting better and better.

My depressed states usually last no more than three days, and despite any interaction from friends or family, there is nothing specific (that I have found yet) that “breaks” me out of this state.

Then comes mania, or a heightened state. With mania comes excitement. I love when I am manic. I get so much accomplished. I run at a 100 miles an hour. I (can be) the life of the party. I talk faster and more often. A million thoughts go through my head, and I can understand them all. I feel somewhat invincible, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

At the same time, I say and do things that I shouldnt. I can be hurtful. I seem to care a bit less about others. I drive more aggressively. I push harder. I am probably as hard to get along with in this state as I am when I am in a depressed state.

Mania, which sometimes I wish would last longer, usually only lasts a day, maybe two, at the most.

I then slip into a bit of a depressed state, but I tend to sleep through it. It usually lasts a day, and like today, I sleep maybe 16 hours.

Then, the normal settles in, and it lasts for some uncertain length of time. With the medication and knowledge, it seems that I have been able to stretch out the normal longer. Which is good.

But those damn wheels keep going ’round and ’round…

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