Will the Real Douchebag Please Stand Up?
by Micah on April 28th
Recently, after paying Aaron Brazell a pretty penny, Grant Robertson was able to get his name slipped into a conversation about the biggest douchebag of all time. Well, Micah “The Real Douchebag” Baldwin dont play that. Here is a list of “facts” about Mr. Grant “I Wish I Was As Big A Douchebag as Micah” Robertson has on his blog. Lets compare!
| Grant Robertson | Micah Baldwin | WINNER |
| lead editor of Download Squad. | has a real job. | Micah |
| a coffee snob. | doesnt drink the common man’s drink. | Micah |
| vegetarian, except when he isn’t, which is often; It’s complicated. | Eats meat. I aint no fu-fu veggie dude. Except when I dont eat meat. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson speaks PHP much better than he speaks Spanish. | Micah speaks nothing but the language of love, cuz hot chicks love douchebags. | Micah |
| aware that WD-40 is a solvent, not a lubricant. | found out that WD-40 is a solvent, not a lubricant the hard way. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson voted for John Kerry; Please don’t tell his mother. | doesnt vote. What douchebag votes? | Micah |
| Grant Robertson shouldn’t be confused with the Grant Robertson who writes for The Globe and Mail. | Micah Baldwin shouldnt be confused with the Grant Robertson who thinks he is the biggest douchebag in the world. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson doesn’t live in Canada anymore. | Micah doesnt even drink Canadian beer. | Micah |
| a part time stand-up comic; and a full time smart-ass. | a part-time smart and full-time ass. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson hates poorly documented code. | Micah doesnt even know what poorly documented code is. | Micah |
| is not recyclable. | is bio degradable | Micah |
| Grant Robertson possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of The Simpsons. | Micah has a life. | Micah |
| secretly wishes Carl Kasell would record the message on his answering machine. | secretly wishes Carl Sagan would record the message on his answering machine from beyond the grave. | Micah |
| can neither be created, nor destroyed. | can neither be imitated or duplicated. | Micah |
| consumes Diet Dr. Pepper at a rate previously thought medically impossible. | used to consume cocaine at a rate previously thought medically impossible. | Micah |
| fiercely loyal, until you cross him. | will smite yo’ ass. | Micah |
| has been known to be pedantic. | has been known to be sophomoric. | Micah |
| can count to ten in French and Spanish, although the other useful phrases he knows aren’t generally safe in public. | can make yo momma blush in German and Spanish. | Micah |
| a sucker for old synthesyzers and electric pianos. | played air drums in an air band back in the air metal days. | Micah |
| has owned more than 14 cars since reaching legal driving age. | has ridden in more than 50 cars since reaching legal driving age. | Micah |
| has lousy ankles. | is fucking perfect. | Micah |
| in love with Christina Warren. | who isnt? | Micah |
| Grant Robertson understands you love @film_girl, too. Why wouldn’t you? | but at least I do it in a non-stalkerish non-technosailor way. | Micah |
| knows the difference between his love for @film_girl and your love for @film_girl is, she loves Grant back. | realizes the best love is self love. | Micah |
| really hates is learning to be ok with Facebook again. | Facebook is learning to hate Micah. | Micah |
| loves the books of Chuck Palanhiuk. | knows the first rule of Chuck Palanhiuk books is to not talk about Chuck Palanhiuk books. | Micah |
| often has difficulty sleeping. | loves the deep sleep of Seroquel. | Micah |
| hasn’t read Steven King since the age of 15. | didnt learn to read anything but Playboy and Penthouse until 16. | Micah |
| isn’t amused. | knows thats a lie. | Micah |
| Grant Robertson recently quit smoking, again. Totally for reals this time. | is sending Grant a case of Marlboro Lights. | Micah |
| may have an undiagnosed case of Asperger’s Syndrome. | may have an undiagnosed case of Tourette’s Syndrome. Fucker. | Micah |
| should not be left unsupervised in a toy store. | is not allowed near small children. | Micah |
| contains 10% fruit juice by volume. | contains 10% bullshit by volume. | Micah |
| can often be found eating veggie Indian Thali at Vatica. | can be found often dropping a deuce after eating Indian at Tandori Grill. | Micah |
| stands five feet nine inches tall. *1/24th scale die-cast replicas are not currently available. | stands five feet eight inches tall. *Real Dolls of Micah are on order. | Micah |
| is a a robot. | while Grant is a Lost in Space Robot, Micah is a Jetsons robot. | Micah |
| maintains a very consistent panda bear shape. | Micah’s top and bottom halves are perfectly symmetrical. | Micah |
| not safe for mothers who are nursing. | note safe for mothers; loved by the MILFs | Micah |
| does not think AJAX is a cleaning product. | more code talk. Micah is unhappy with code talk. | Micah |
| not evenly divisible by two. | divided Grant by two. Twice. | Micah |
| not for recreational use. | be used recreationally more often than a bounce house at a 6 year old’s party. | Micah |
| has not been approved by the FDA for use in the treatment or diagnosis of any medical condition. | Forget the FDA, Micah has been approved to treat what ails you, ladeeeeeeees! | Micah |
|
AND THE REAL DOUCHEBAG IS…
|
Micah | |
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OK I have to think on that last one...
Ladees and a ladies are two very different things...
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@queenofspain only if you consider yourself a MILF, otherwise, Miss "Micah is #3 on my @ twitter list", No.
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And Grant gets my Douchebag vote because of loyalty and whatnot -- but this blog entry clearly proved that the Douchebag Force is strong with this one. Or something.
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