I like to give advice.

I really do. I am an opinionated person, and I have a big mouth. I often tell my team, when asked, I will always make a decision, so if you dont want me to make a decision, then dont ask.

I like to give advice.

Over the years, I have made many mistakes, both personally and professionally. It seems that sharing those experiences is a good thing. So, I give advice.

I like to give advice.

Maybe its a Jewish thing? Maybe its something that my family does. During most conversations I have with my sisters, Mom and Dad, there are moments where advice is given or sought. Its almost just part of the fabric of our interactions.

I like to give advice.

I get emails from entrepreneurs asking about their startups, difficulties they are facing, Techstars, fund raising, and other startup questions. I love sitting down, either in person or over the phone and having a quick conversation. I answer every email (as timely as I can) honestly and with (what I think) solid advice.

I like to give advice.

Over the last few days, it finally dawned on me that the operative word in that sentence was “I”. I like to give advice. Ive never really stopped to think if the other person wants to hear my advice.

Last night, I had a text message exchange with a friend. It kinda went exactly like this:

Me: Anything I can help with?

Her: I’m good for now. A little adviced out for the day. xoxo

Me: I’m finished giving anyone advice.

Her: Oh come on. u love it. And we need it.

Me: LOL. I do it too much.

Her: Maybe :)

Yup. confirmation. Im comfortable giving advice. It makes me feel good. But, I honestly give advice because on some level, I think it is also helpful, and being helpful is truly important to me, but as I think more and more about it, I give advice because I like to give advice.

Thinking about why I give advice, it has to because at some level, I want to feel like I am providing value to a relationship, and “being there” is so valuable. I end up being there by providing advice. That is my value, sharing the experiences and knowledge that I have gained over the course of my life doing bad and good things.

Am I alone? Do other people like to give advice? Given that more than $10 billion is spent on self-help stuff, I guess a lot of people like to hear advice. Is my desire to provide advice a little bit pompous? Probably. After all, I have to believe that the information I am providing is of value. That seems a bit pompous.

I like to give advice.

So Im done. I am no longer giving advice. Whether its in this blog or in person, I am not giving advice. Its not as helpful I think it might be. And, since its actually, at least in my case, somewhat selfish, I think I am going to stop giving advice.

I like giving advice.

It’s not going to be easy for me to stop. Its almost like breathing at this point. Person says “I am really tired.” I respond “You should sleep more.” Damn! Thats advice. Must stop doing that. Perhaps the better response is “Why are you so tired?” or “I see.” or “I understand, Im pretty tired too.”

Hurm. Its really not going to be easy. Plus, I just realized that I am probably giving myself advice. Its like an addiction! I just cant stop! Sheesh.

I like giving advice.

As I think about it more and more, I have begun to realize something. I dont like to receive advice. I dont like receiving advice unless I ask for it. How can the advice I give be so good, that I should be okay providing it unsolicited, and the other person so excited to receive it that they overlook that its unsolicited? I mean, after all, I probably have some good thoughts, but they cant all be good (no matter what I think).

I like giving advice, but I like being asked for it more.

And that the right answer. I am still going to give advice. But I am only going to do it if specifically asked for it. Asked for it directly and clearly. I wont even prompt for it with the simple question “Want to hear what I think?”. Im going cold turkey. No more advice.

I like giving advice, but I like my friends more.

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I hate the topic of leadership. I really do. There are a thousand books written about it, a million blog posts. There are courses one can take at college (I know I took some at the Masters level) and professional courses you can take through your employer.

Because of the focus on the tactics and application of leadership, we assume that leaders come from a certain stock of people, and the rest of us just have to learn how to become leaders. But leadership really isnt that much of a mystery.

Work based leadership is task based. The goal is to achieve something, and the chain of command is clearly delineated. The goal of the leader, is to keep everyone working in the same direction, towards the same goal, with an eye to completion at a set date.

For example, at Graphic.ly, we release an update to our Adobe AIR App Alpha every Friday. That means by Thursday morning, we need to have a working internal version for QA, and we need to have it through QA by Thursday afternoon. Its a simple process, and with solid task based leadership, we seem to complete it more often than not.

But what about in our personal lives?

Our personal lives are not task based. There is no clear hierarchy. Our friends, our family, our loved ones all expect a certain amount of time and attention. And for most of the people I know, life is something that is fit around and integrated into career. Career is what trumps life.

If in our careers, leadership, goals and hierarchy are so clearly defined, how do we easily transition that construct to our daily lives?

Its not quite as simple nor as straight forward as it is in our day jobs. The key, the real key to building leadership within our personal lives is to put ourselves in front of all others.

Leadership in our personal lives, unlike in the professional world, is something fluid. Time becomes something to hoard. Personal time because something we value.

Yet, we are taught to be nice. To be giving. To provide. These are all the hallmarks of a life lived well. We are taught that its better to give than receive, to provide is divine, etc.

All those lessons cause nothing but consternation and difficulty. In practice, we give up the leadership of our lives to others. Even others that we want to be part of our lives.

Its important to note that I am not advocating taking instead of giving, just that by putting ourselves first, we actually provide a clear set of engagement rules that allow us to define the interactions and allow for a bit of control and direction.

To provide leadership to friends, family and loved ones, it can only be achieved through action. We must be able to interact in ways that provide a positive outcome for all involved.

For everyone the actual steps and rules are different, but these are the ones that I currently employ:

• There is this 750words project;
• I try to take the first hour when I get home from the office to myself. I never go straight from work to an event, dinner, etc. without at least a bit of a break (even if its in my office);
• I never stay anywhere too long;
• I keep my close friend list short. Mostly because that group of people get (relatively) unfettered access, and I cant provide that to too many people;
• I try and be clear about what I want from people, and ask that they respond in kind. Its not always pleasant, but its (almost) always clear.
• I put myself before everyone. If I am being nice to someone, its because I want to be nice, not because I feel an obligation. My only obligation is to myself.

As the internet and other forms of communication and information accelerants enter our lives, its getting harder to create clear delineation between our personal and professional lives. The tactics and strategies that work in one, dont really work in the other. Leadership, needs to exist in all aspects of our lives, we just need to employ it in different ways. In the professional world, we are looking to achieve goals and complete tasks. In our private lives we are looking to obtain happiness and balance.

For those of us that are considered leaders in our professional lives (due primarily to position) have a difficult time transferring that leadership into our personal lives because of the clear shift in effective personal leadership. We need to determine our own personal tactics, or, eventually, we arent leading our lives. They are being led for us.

Words: 781

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Last week(ish), my friend Michael Galpert [twitter] turned me on to a site called 750words. A super simple site, where you literally get a blinking cursor and a word counter.

The idea, as Buster Benson [twitter], the creator lays out:

I’ve long been inspired by an idea I first learned about in The Artist’s Way called morning pages. Morning pages are three pages of writing done every day, typically encouraged to be in “long hand”, typically done in the morning, that can be about anything and everything that comes into your head. It’s about getting it all out of your head, and is not supposed to be edited or censored in any way. The idea is that if you can get in the habit of writing three pages a day, that it will help clear your mind and get the ideas flowing for the rest of the day. Unlike many of the other exercises in that book, I found that this one actually worked and was really really useful.

I’ve used the exercise as a great way to think out loud without having to worry about half-formed ideas, random tangents, private stuff, and all the other things in our heads that we often filter out before ever voicing them or writing about them. It’s a daily brain dump. Over time, I’ve found that it’s also very helpful as a tool to get thoughts going that have become stuck, or to help get to the bottom of a rotten mood.

At first, I thought what a great idea. My friend Niel Robertson [twitter] reads every morning for an hour. Other friends are great at doing small things to get them going each morning. Me? I wake up, walk into my home office and start working. At some point, I feed the dogs and cats, and then take a shower and head into the office. Then at about 8pm, I head home. I feed the dogs and cats, and then walk into my home office. At like 2am, I go to sleep. Thats my life. Oh! And sometimes, I do it in other cities (but I leave the feeding of the dogs and cats to someone else).

I need to find a way to break that cycle. To do something in the am, that is for me, but also gets my brain cranking in the right direction. Buster’s 750 word idea was great. But, 750words.com is private. Im not a private person. Instead, I am going to try and write a blog post each morning. Will they all be interesting? Hell no. Will they all be personal? Um, hell no. Will they all be professional? Um, seriously, hell no.

What they will be is just whatever I am thinking about that morning.

Like this morning, I was thinking back over my last few days here in New York. I spent time thinking about all the people I have spent real time with. Not at a bar, or during a loud party, but real time with. Folks like George G Smith, Jr. [twitter] (owner of the worlds longest twitter name). We never spent much time together in Boulder, but that dude is awesome. He is extremely thoughtful, and I think, in someways forgets to put himself first. I got to have lunch with Saul Colt [twitter]. Who each time I spend time with, I end up loving more. Saul is really the type of person I want to be. He taught me that the first question you should ask is “How can I help?” and mean it.

Last night, I got to spend time with Emily Cavalier [twitter], who is made for New York. Her energy is infectious and happy (with a little crazy), but definitely positive. I got to catch up with the Ignighter guys (Adam, Dan and Kevin), who each time I get to NYC I try and say hello. Its awesome to watch their maturation from the first time we sat down at Japango in Boulder in 2008. You can see in their eyes the confidence of finally understanding a direction.

My New York Name Brother, Micah Spear [twitter] is so full of excitement and energy, he took me from exhaustion to bouncy in about a, well, New York Minute. Probably one of the highlights of my trip.

I had a wonderful dinner with Jessica Randazza [twitter], someone I consider not just a friend, but a great friend. Her concern and courage to move from Seattle to New York, and take on a big job at a big agency is inspiring. Risk taking is something that I pride myself on. Its the best quality in a person who has big dreams.

I suppose, as sappy as it sounds, what I am learning in this Year of People is that its not just time, but connection. Real connections, which are formed by each person giving just a little of themselves in return for a lot.

Pretty sure, I am going to like 2010.

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